Sunday, July 23, 2006

in case you were wondering, I do need therapy for this

Recently having kids has been on my mind quite a bit. Not that I'm going to have kids anytime soon, it's just that more and more of my friends are popping out kids or are announcing they will be working on creating kids to pop out and I guess that I've just been a bit preoccupied with not full blown baby fever, but some mild, low temperature, baby fever. And it's honestly not even baby fever as much as "oh my god I'm older than my mom was when she had me, should I have a kid by now, am I going to be too old to have kids by the time I'm ready" fever.

I never really planned on having kids before 30. Actually let's start a step before that. I never planned on having more than one kid. And in my head that one kid magically appeared in my life, fully formed without any of the pregnancy silliness. Truly I thought the stork was going to bring me a child, because obviously I am not built for pregnancy. Why obviously? Because the thought of swollen feet make my stomach churn. The thought of stretch marks makes my head hurt. And the big swollen food-providing boobs? I don't even know the right word to describe how they make me squirmy and scared and dizzy and flabbergasted all at the same time. Big swollen food providing boobs make me sqarezzgasted. See, I have to create a word just to describe how I feel. I am not meant to give birth.

Not that I think there is anything at all wrong with swollen feet, stretch marks, or breastfeeding. I fully understand how they are part of the miracle of life and how they are each beautiful because of the larger picture that they are part of, but so help me god, I don't think I can handle it. In fact, I saw this website: Shape of a Mother and I freaked out a bit. And had nightmares. And decided to keep my legs firmly together. And I'm currently searching for chastity belts online. It's not that I think I have a perfect body and am worried about losing it. I have my fair share of stretch marks and I'm not nearly the size I would like to be but the thought that it can, and most definitely will, get worse and I will have no control over it really (please pardon my language) freaks me the fuck out. Plus I worry about how long it would take for me to feel attractive again, much less how long it would take for jparks ever to find me attractive again.

And it's not just the hell that a woman's body looks like after that creeps me out. What about having an epidural? That's a big ass needle that they are going to stick right into my spine and I don't even like getting a flu shot. Or what if the doctor does an episiotomy? Holy hell, the thought of that makes me want to cry. I'm so scared of episiotomies that I can't even link the word to its definition for fear that I might learn something else about them that I don't need to know. Honestly I can't even give blood because I get such a panic attack my blood pressure rises and they won't let me donate. Can you image how I'm going to be during labor?!? And c-sections! Holy crap, I had a friend that had one and I had to help her pack gauze into it when her husband couldn't be at home. She was fine with it, but I wanted to die.

See, I. Am. Not. Built. For. Pregnancy.

You know I've gotten myself all worked up with my pregnancy fears that I can't even remember what the point of this post is. Oh well, I'm off to bed to have nightmares of big boobs and freakishly swollen feet. And evil doctors that are crazy about cutting. Maybe tomorrow I'll remember what I wanted to say.

And rest assured, this in totally and positively not a post to announce I'm knocked up. Because I'm not, thank you chastity belt!


  1. You know, I could counter all these, one by one, if you wanted me to... And I'm uniquely qualified to speak as a person coming from a shitty pregnancy experience. :)

    You never know how you'll react to adversity until you're faced with it.

  2. I really don't think there is ANYTHING you can say that will make me less afraid of an episiotomy. I just really don't want that area sliced and diced.

  3. Oooh, after seeing all the new moms on ob-gyn and after taking care of babies in the nursery, it seems like becoming a parent seems to be one of the bestest/craziest/beautifulest things on earth. But pretty it is not. After cutting the cord on his new baby, one dad commented, "It feels like chicken gristle!"

  4. It is definitely possible to not have an episiotomy (I say this with authority as a small person who pushed out a kid with a 95th percentile head). I can describe them to you in detail if you like. It will involve some assistance from your partner (nothing too difficult, really) and having doctors that respect your wishes for your delivery.