Friday, August 25, 2006

for an extra $5 I could have gotten a happy ending

Today I went to see an acupuncturist thanks to some lovely back problems I've had for quite awhile. Jason suggested I go see one, but never thought I would actually go. I never thought I would actually go. And honestly I don't know if my experience today counts as a real acupuncturist visit.

First we talked for a bit. It turns out the doctor I went to specializes in infertility treatments and she was concerned for me and my aging eggs. She said after 30 it's really hard to get pregnant and stress takes a huge toll on your fertility. After this I got undressed and she brought in the massage therapist. They stood and looked at my back for a few minutes discussing, in Mandarin, the state of my muscles. Finally the doctor said "You have much stress all through your back. And you have neck pain. You are so young to have so much stress. I've never seen someone your age with stress like this. You better not wait until 30 to have kids." Great, I totally won't stress about that.

This uplifting message was followed by an hour of sweet, sweet torture. The smallest, skinniest Asian girl I have ever seen, laid into my back with such force I honestly thought I was going to throw up. You know how most massages are about achieving a point of relaxation that makes you want to fart? This one was not like that. This one was about beating my muscles until they yelled UNCLE! and let go of the tension for the first time ever. It was painful but wonderful; I don't know that I've ever felt so relaxed.

Did I mention while this was going on I had electric currents shooting through my legs? In place of needles sometimes electric currents are used to move the qi around in your body. Seeing as I have a crippling fear of needles the doctor thought this would be a good way to ease me into acupuncture. Honestly this was the most enjoyable part of the visit; the doctor put a heating lamp on my feet so they were toasty warm and the currents were really low. All I felt were small muscle spasms every once in a while and it was actually kind of relaxing. Hmmm, I wonder if electro-shock therapy might be good for me, in real low doses of course.

You'll notice no needles were actually used today, and this was probably for the best. I have another appointment next Friday and the doctor and I agreed to three needles being inserted into my hands and back. This means I have a week to build up enough courage to survive the fact that 3 needles will be inserted into my body. Holy crap, I need lots of courage. Or lots of whiskey.

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