I’m feeling a little blah today and I'm not really sure why. Could be that the weekend was so much fun that going back to work is a hard slap in the face. Could be that I didn’t sleep well last night and am just really tired today. Could be that a few small things have been bothering me, slowing eating holes in my mind that other thoughts get trapped in, leaving me to obsess over the silly small things.
One thing that has really been weighing me down is the state of my life. There is really nothing glaringly wrong with it, just more of a "is this it?" shadow lingering over it. I love my husband, I love my friends, I love my shoes, and I really love my animals, but some things just aren't what I thought they would be.
Together Jason and my's combined income is high, yet we can't buy a house. Crap, we can't even buy a condo. I love living in California and at this point in time we don't have any choice but to live here, but it pains me to not own a little spot that is mine. A place I can paint in any color I want or hang a picture without worrying about having to patch the hole in a year. Or a place where if I have the option to not have beige carpet. Stupid, crazy expensive real estate.
And then there is my job. Yes I get paid well, yes I like my boss, yes I'm happy to be working for a nonprofit, changing the world for the better, but is this really what I saw myself doing when I was a kid? I don't remember thinking "when I grow up I want to sit at a desk and file invoices and answer phones." Even now I keep thinking, "I should be doing something more creative than this." But what? I can't draw, sing, play an instrument, act, dance, direct, or mime so what does that leave me? Sitting at a desk answering phones and filing invoices. I need to accept this is it. ugh.
I guess I'm going through a really early midlife crisis.