Monday, August 21, 2006

I'm a newlywed, shouldn't I be more chipper than this?

I’m feeling a little blah today and I'm not really sure why. Could be that the weekend was so much fun that going back to work is a hard slap in the face. Could be that I didn’t sleep well last night and am just really tired today. Could be that a few small things have been bothering me, slowing eating holes in my mind that other thoughts get trapped in, leaving me to obsess over the silly small things.

One thing that has really been weighing me down is the state of my life. There is really nothing glaringly wrong with it, just more of a "is this it?" shadow lingering over it. I love my husband, I love my friends, I love my shoes, and I really love my animals, but some things just aren't what I thought they would be.

Together Jason and my's combined income is high, yet we can't buy a house. Crap, we can't even buy a condo. I love living in California and at this point in time we don't have any choice but to live here, but it pains me to not own a little spot that is mine. A place I can paint in any color I want or hang a picture without worrying about having to patch the hole in a year. Or a place where if I have the option to not have beige carpet. Stupid, crazy expensive real estate.

And then there is my job. Yes I get paid well, yes I like my boss, yes I'm happy to be working for a nonprofit, changing the world for the better, but is this really what I saw myself doing when I was a kid? I don't remember thinking "when I grow up I want to sit at a desk and file invoices and answer phones." Even now I keep thinking, "I should be doing something more creative than this." But what? I can't draw, sing, play an instrument, act, dance, direct, or mime so what does that leave me? Sitting at a desk answering phones and filing invoices. I need to accept this is it. ugh.

I guess I'm going through a really early midlife crisis.


  1. Keep looking and you'll eventually find something that you're good at and like to do. Then the trick is figuring out how to make a living at it.

    As far as buying a house, you guys have basically two good options. Save as much money as you can now while you're renting and you don't have any kids. Then either wait for the real estate market to eventually tank out there OR move back to a market that's a lot cheaper. Sadly that would mean saying goodbye to urban S.F. but there are much cheaper urban centers (like most Southern states). Just don't count on there being a Whole Foods or a Wild Oats nearby. There's a third option, buying a house in S.F. right now, but I think it's a bad option.

  2. leaving the area isn't much of an option as Jason is our main source of income and his job is here. Now if we had those transport pod things like in Star Trek we could live anywhere and Jason's commute would be so short.

  3. You are so much my child that sometimes it hurts. I am struggling with the same issues, but at 50 there isn't much that I can do to change things. This career, that I so hate, that pays me well, that keeps me under so much stress that at times I feel like my chest will explode, is all that I know. How I wish I had taken a different path so many years ago before I got trapped into this. Don't you make the same mistake. Take your chances now. Try different things to find out what you really want to do with your life.

    Remember years ago when you came to work with me for a "mother/daughter work day"? You just hated the thought of sitting in an office all day. I remember you telling me that you just couldn't imagine doing that. You were right on at 9 or 10. You already knew yourself.

    If you make the change maybe I will too. I promise, I'll still buy you cool stuff even if I'm just a poop scooper at the Global Wildlife Center in Robert, LA.

  4. Don't know what to tell you about what you want to do when you grow up (and we're all still growing up) but as far as real estate: wait a good six months or so. Things are calming down. You may very well be able to afford a condo (or even a house in a humble hamlet like Redwood City) next year.

  5. it's called being grown isn't hugely exciting unless you want to choose a profession that enables you to catch something - and I don't mean wildlife and fisheries, but that is a good alternative...and yes...this is it.