Wednesday, August 2, 2006

who knew milk was such a hot button issue with me

Most people don’t know that I’m incredibly picky about milk. It has to be fat free and if it can’t be fat free then you might get away with serving me low fat. If it can’t be either of those then it CAN NOT BE WHOLE MILK. Whole milk is disgusting and foul and after drinking it you ooze dairy from your pores for days. If you serve me whole milk I can not be held accountable for my actions. Or anything that ends up broken.

I never used to be this way; I used to only drink whole milk. I couldn’t be bothered with fat free, or as I saw it cloudy water. In fact when my mom and I moved in with one of her boyfriends he insisted on having fat free milk and I insisted on whole. This led to the Great Milk Riot of 1997 and could only be settled by having two gallons of milk in the house at all times. I never could understand how my mom could have feelings for a fat free milk lover. And he also had bad taste in orange juice. At that time I figured love must make you really really blind if this was the man my mom had decided to be with.

But now the tides have turned. I am a fat free milk advocate and can’t imagine drinking whole milk. Except this morning when the coffee place got my order wrong and served me a whole milk iced latte and I didn’t realize it until I took my first sip at the office. My first instinct was to throw the latte against the wall because DAMMIT THIS IS WHOLE MILK, HULK ANGRY!!!! But then I realized that if I tossed out my latte I would be disposing of caffeine, caffeine I have to absorb to survive the first chunk of the work day.

So I drank the stupid whole milk latte, but not the whole thing because about halfway through I felt disgusted, full, and like my intestines were planning their own Great Milk Riot of 2006.

And that explains why today has sucked and it is 5:00pm and I still have tons of work in front of me. I hold the whole milk latte personally responsible and think it should come in and do my job for me. Stupid milk.


  1. Serve you right........for reminding me of a very, very, very bad time in my life. You squirrel.

  2. I can't be held accountable for your bad taste in men.

  3. Slap, slap, slap little missy. One day Piper and Pippen Pickled Pepper Parks will do the same thing to you (of course while they're wearing matching sailor suits).

  4. dammit, I was just about to make fun of you because I just knew you were going to buy Piper and Pipen matching sailor suits.

    Thank god I'm not having kids anytime soon.