Monday, October 9, 2006

dear lily,

Yes, you are cute. Yes, I love you very much and only want you to be happy. Yes, you are much better than the stupid cats that also live here.

But so help me god, if you don't sleep through the night tonight your cute butt will be boxed up and FedEx'd to MawMaw, where you will eat hamburgers until your tiny heart explodes. And I won't feel guilty for sending you to an untimely death. You want to know why there'll be no guilt? Because I'll be asleep; happily, blissfully asleep and the only reason I'll notice that you're missing is because nothing will wake me up every 20 minutes with a paw to the face as it frantically tries to burrow back under the covers.

I know you were very pissed with me on Saturday when I kept poking at you and wouldn't let you sleep for a minute, but dammit it, that night you didn't budge once. And you actually slept past 7am. It was a miracle and I plan on pestering you all this Saturday just for a repeat of this phenomenon known as sleeping in.

And while we're talking about things that you do that are really annoying, could you stop with the licking of my arm and the humping? I know that the crack of my elbow is so sexy to you, a neutered female dog, but stop. My elbow appreciates it and does want you to know the humping makes it feel very sexy, but it just does not like you in that way.

And happy (belated) 3rd birthday. If I knew where a dog bakery was around here I would have gotten you a cake.

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