Last night the flip flops that I ordered for jparks to wear on vacation arrived and he happily put them on and pranced around the apartment. Are you thinking "It's just flip flops, why such excitement?" Well, I don't let jparks own flip flops. Mean of me? Yes. Weird of me? Yes. Hypocritical of me? Yes. (I own many pairs) Do I care? Nope.
In my mind men can't wear flip flops. In fact, men can't wear sandals at all. Once, before we were together, jparks took me shopping with him so I could tell him what color everything was. Towards the end of the shopping expedition he mentioned that he needed to pick up some new Tevas and I begged and pleaded with him to FORGO THE TEVAS FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. No woman was ever going to date him if he wore Tevas! How would he ever find happiness?!? Didn't he want to get laid? Tevas were not going to help him with that quest. He didn't listen and bought a pair. He still has them and I would love to make them magically disappear one day, but I know he'll just go buy another pair. And the more pairs of shoes he buys the less money we have for me to buy shoes. Priorities, people, priorities.
So last night, the arrival of flip flops for him was enough to cause celebration to break out. He happily wore them to take out the trash and to walk Lily. He kept mentioning them in conversation. So, being the big meanie that I am, I squashed his fantasy future that was filled with flip flop visions and told him the truth.
And, of course, the truth was not pretty or nice. The truth was that I purposely bought cheap flip flops for him so that I wouldn't feel guilty leaving them in the hotel in Hawaii when we check out. Yeah, I hate flip flops on men so much I plan on leaving his there. Normally I'm sneaky and wouldn't have told him I was ditching his flip flops, but I couldn't handle a month of hearing how great they are. How simple! How easy! How his life is now complete and he has found god in the form of shoes and his soul is saved. I had to shut him up the only way I know how, by crushing his spirit.
His response to this to the truth? "How come you get to wear flip flops and I don't?"
"Because I get pedicures. I earn the right to wear flip flops."
"Can I get a pedicure?"
And as much as it pains me to admit it, yes, if jparks gets pedicures he can wear flip flops. I am a defeated woman.