Remember how two weeks ago I left my wallet at home? And it sucked and I was pissed and had to live off of Chex Mix for lunch? Well, can we go back to that time? Because, as of this morning, my wallet is gone. Gone, baby, gone.
The jury is still out over whether it was stolen or not, but I can promise you that we searched high and low in the house for it, at the ass crack of dawn, and found nothing. Wait, that's a lie because we did find something. we found that a good time can be had looking for a wallet, at the ass crack of dawn (have I mentioned that?). What is especially fun is watching your wild animal of a husband literally rip the rooms apart, including moving furniture and dumping pile of clothes out of the hampers and leaving them strewn across the bedroom floor. At one point he called to me "Hey, come hold this mattress up!" and "Let's move this couch. Again." Dude, if it wasn't behind the couch the first time then it's still not there. Uh, I mean, I love you honey. Thanks for helping me look.
After deciding that the wallet was not turning up, I got to cancel all of my credit cards, which was so much fun my body almost exploded. Boy, do I ever love credit card companies! They are so understanding and helpful when I asked for a replacement card faster than 7 to 10 business days. Their response of "I'm sorry but 7 to 10 business days is the fastest we can ship one out to you" was such a comforting lie that I feel great about not having access to any money for a week. I mean, who needs to have the option of buying lunch and putting gas in their car? NOT ME!
So that first part was written while I was at work. Now I'm home and I can't even believe what I'm about to write.
Jparks found my wallet. In the dishwasher.
Yeah. The motherfucking dishwasher.
I guess it fell in when I was loading the dishes and, not realizing that, I turned the machine on. I now have a wallet full of really clean, yet totally useless credit cards.
I don't even know how to follow up this grand act of stupidity. Do I wash other very important things? Like maybe my cell phone. Or marriage license. Or do I just let jparks make fun of me from here to forever?
Sheesh, even I amaze myself with how dumb I can be sometimes.