Monday, November 5, 2007

it all comes out in the wash

Remember how two weeks ago I left my wallet at home? And it sucked and I was pissed and had to live off of Chex Mix for lunch? Well, can we go back to that time? Because, as of this morning, my wallet is gone. Gone, baby, gone.

The jury is still out over whether it was stolen or not, but I can promise you that we searched high and low in the house for it, at the ass crack of dawn, and found nothing. Wait, that's a lie because we did find something. we found that a good time can be had looking for a wallet, at the ass crack of dawn (have I mentioned that?). What is especially fun is watching your wild animal of a husband literally rip the rooms apart, including moving furniture and dumping pile of clothes out of the hampers and leaving them strewn across the bedroom floor. At one point he called to me "Hey, come hold this mattress up!" and "Let's move this couch. Again." Dude, if it wasn't behind the couch the first time then it's still not there. Uh, I mean, I love you honey. Thanks for helping me look.

After deciding that the wallet was not turning up, I got to cancel all of my credit cards, which was so much fun my body almost exploded. Boy, do I ever love credit card companies! They are so understanding and helpful when I asked for a replacement card faster than 7 to 10 business days. Their response of "I'm sorry but 7 to 10 business days is the fastest we can ship one out to you" was such a comforting lie that I feel great about not having access to any money for a week. I mean, who needs to have the option of buying lunch and putting gas in their car? NOT ME!


So that first part was written while I was at work. Now I'm home and I can't even believe what I'm about to write.

Jparks found my wallet. In the dishwasher.

Yeah. The motherfucking dishwasher.

I guess it fell in when I was loading the dishes and, not realizing that, I turned the machine on. I now have a wallet full of really clean, yet totally useless credit cards.

I don't even know how to follow up this grand act of stupidity. Do I wash other very important things? Like maybe my cell phone. Or marriage license. Or do I just let jparks make fun of me from here to forever?

Sheesh, even I amaze myself with how dumb I can be sometimes.


  1. Proving, once again, that housecleaning is dangerous!

  2. Heh, I once lost my wallet, canceled everything, and then 2 weeks later someone else found it in my car.

    Talk about feeling really really dumb...

    Some banks give you an ATM card the same day you open a new account, maybe it's time to switch banks?

  3. OMG. I think I may have peed myself, or you made me laugh so hard I'm in labour.
    Also try calling your CC companies back and see if they can reinstate your card, sometimes it can be done.

  4. That is awesome. Now any time there's an argument over the dishes, you can just say "you know what happened last time!" and jparks will do it. But you know it doesn't matter what you do. Your husband, being jparks, will make fun of you from here to forever. It's just going to happen. Might as well accept it.

    This happened to us once. Word to the wise: before going on a desperate rampage tearing your house apart looking for anything, always look under your fatass cats.

  5. when I lose things in my house the first place I check is the freezer. 7 out of 10 times that's where I find it. I don't know why I leave things there but I do.

  6. Chez, you are so right. I'm going to hire a maid service immediately!

    Alan, now that I have my license I can at least write checks. It's going to be like living in the stone ages, back before debit cards existed.

    Deadra, I did and it was a no go.

    Stacey, Isn't there some upgrade I can do to lower the level of mockery from jparks.

    Josh, I searched the fridge and freezer. I figured, eh who knows, maybe it would be there. That seemed a more logical place than the dishwasher.

  7. Can you please write a book about your life?

  8. I'm sorry!

    I washed my cell phone the day before we left for our wedding. I debated telling Mike until after he married me because, um, he wasn't too happy that we had to purchase a new cell phone (not in the wedding budget!) since a LOT of people would be calling the bride in the next couple of days. I've also found my cell phone in the driveway and in my shoe.

    I've said this already today but I should NOT be allowed to have children.

  9. I second the comment re: writing a book!

    I'm so sorry you had to go through that. Dealing w/ credit card companies is a HUGE pain, so I feel for you. On the plus side, you could always pretend you're in the 50's and get jparks to pay for everything for you (and give you an allowance to boot).