Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Dear ladies that work in my building,

Are you brain dead?

err, I mean, Hi! How are you? Are you brain dead?

Sorry, sorry, I don't mean to be so hostile but you have really been annoying me. Like a lot. Can I just get some things off my chest and maybe that'll help with the situation? See, I've got some issues with your bathroom behavior and I don't think I can take it much longer.

Let's start with the bathroom lights. I know that we all want to be green and save the Earth and sometimes turning off the bathroom lights seems like a great way to do this, but do you think you could start checking to make sure the stalls are empty before you flick the switch to off? Because it sucks to be minding your own business and right when you go to reach for the toilet paper BAM DARKNESS. I feel like the logical next event will be my death at the hands of a serial killer that doesn't want me to know he's been following my bathroom habits and knows that when my pants are down I am at my weakest. If this continues I will be forced to shroud each of you in darkness and pretend to be said killer. I might end up in jail, but I bet you'll never turn the bathroom lights out again.

I don't know if you're aware but we work in a fairly nice office building. An office building that doesn't get much random germ-infested hobo foot traffic. Our bathrooms are surprisingly clean and yet you still flush with your foot. You do realize that forces me to either have to flush with my foot, which is sometimes impossible if I'm wearing heels or nice clothes, or touch the handle that you just dragged the bottom of your shoe across. Do you not see how this is wrong? I have always washed my hands after using the bathroom but, thanks to the bottom of your shoe, I now do it with scalding hot water and scrub scrub scrub. Lady MacBeth would be so proud. Now my hands hurt, so it's time for you to stop with the foot flushing. Guess what, the only reason you need to foot flush is because you've gunked up the handle the last time you were in there! If you stop there would be no reason to foot flush! We can all be happy and I can stop hating you!

And sometimes, when you leave your things on the counter while you are in a stall, I think about taking them to make us even. Do you see what you've reduced me to?!?



  1. That bathroom light shit is WAY NOT COOL.

  2. Tis the season for letter-writing blogs.

  3. We have auto-flush toilets. So no need for the foot-flush, and as a bonus, sometimes it decides to flush while you're still using it! (And other times you have to do a little dance to get it to go off.)

    I wish the ladies in my office would stop chatting on the phone while sitting in a stall.

  4. How do you know they foot flush? Do you watch for the one-legged person in a stall? Maybe that person is practicing their flamingo moves a la Chrissy Snow in private!


    There is a woman who eats lunch the bathroom of our office building. EVERY. DAMN. DAY.

    Also, often there is a Fabio-esque novel left on the counter, and once there was a pack of smokes.

  6. You will never ever EVER convince me to not foot flush. I do it not because of other people's germs, but because a lot of public bathroom toilets LEAK when you flush them. I get all sorts of water and who the hell knows what else on my hands when I flush and that is NOT COOL.

    If the toilet is like a toilet you have in a house with the regular style lever, then I use my hands. But if it's one of those horizontal handle things that sticks out, forget it, it's my foot or nothing. Deal with it. Besides, you can never be guaranteed that there aren't some random germs n crap (both literally and figuratively) on a toilet handle, so why risk it? If everyone foot flushes, we're all guaranteed to be okay.

  7. If you don't foot-flush you could end up flushing one of those super-powered toilets that sprays up water when it flushes. Then you'd get hit in the face and that is so much grosser than foot flushing. There are toilets with foot pedals for flushing and I really don't understand why bathroom designers don't put those in. I also don't understand why stalls don't always have hooks for purses/coats and why some stalls (clearly designed by men) have the doors so close to the toilet that you literally have to straddle the toilet to get the stall door closed. Also, turning off the lights is so not cool. If they are that concerned about energy savings, they should petition the building owners for the lights that auto-shut off after 15 minutes of no motion.

  8. Regan, I totally missed this post, how did that happen!
    Okay on limited time, not sure if someone already mentioned...
    so for the people who use their feet to flush the toilets, I don't understand that either. Maybe they're super gross and don't like to wash their hands? I will flush with my hands, and I always wash my hands after, then use the towel to open the door, 'cause you know those foot flushers haven't washed their hands. ICK!
    Also what about at your house, what if you have foot flushers at your house? I've never though of that. I should make a sign.... a pretty one, to hang in the bathroom. I might even have it framed! (good use of my new cricut!)

  9. Confession: I am a foot flusher. (I've actually written an entire post about this.) The thing is, when you flush, sometimes water SPLASHES UP out of the toilet. Now, I'd much rather get toilet water on my shoe than, say, my hand. Or worse, my face. Please note: this is only in public restrooms. I would never foot flush at someone's house. It's unecessary and I can't get my foot up that high even if I wanted to.

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