Saturday, November 29, 2008


Today jparks and I went to see Quantum of Solace and ended up sitting next to two kids that couldn't shut up during the movie. As we sat there in the dark I could hear the murmur of their conversation and I could feel my blood pressure rise. I know no one likes when people talk during movies, but I get so angry over it that I really can't enjoy the movie because I'm sitting in my seat, oozing with hate for the people that are chatting it up and imaging how good it would feel to punch them in their big, yapping mouths. In my fantasy world, the rest of the theatre breaks out in applause after I punch them and then quickly goes back to enjoying the movie in silence. SILENCE, as god intended humans to watch movies.

The talkers today were a young couple and jparks' theory is that they both lived at home and were forced into a theatre for some private time. Because, oh yes, they were making out as well as talking. Normally I'm okay with moving far away from chatters, but the theatre was a packed house and the only other seating option was the front row. So we stayed put and I seethed my way through the movie, occasionally grabbing jparks' hand and squeezing the hell out of it when the two idiots would start another freaking conversation.

It used to be that I would just tell people like this to shut the hell up. Or I would ask them if they realized a movie was playing and perhaps they could shut the fuck up while it was on. But now I don't say anything because I'm horribly afraid that the talkers will want to fight after the movie and the last thing I want is to be the reason jparks ends up in a fist fight. I'm not above getting myself into a fight, but I doubt the guy half of the talker couple is going to allow the girl half to fight me. No, normally the guy talker is the kind of asshat that's willing to throw down any place, any time and I'm just not willing to put jparks in that kind of situation.

So my question is, what's the best thing to say to movie talkers that wouldn't result in a fight? I really spent a large chunk of the movie running bits of dialogue through my head and none of it sounded nice. Even "please be quite" came off as bitchy. Would a simple "shhh" be best? Should I have gotten an usher? Can they even do anything to movie talkers anymore? And how obvious would it have been to leave my seat and have an usher follow me back in while I point a finger at the talkers? I think saying something directly to them is better. But what?

PS: The talkers felt the need to kiss every time Bond kissed someone on screen and at one point the guy draped a jacket over his lap and the girl laid down under it. Thankfully this only lasted for a second, because if she had started any funny business, I would have been forced to punch her in the back of the head, resulting in her biting down on his junk. And I'm pretty sure jparks and I would have had to run for our lives in that situation.


  1. Thanksgiving. 2002. Redskins just lost to the Cowboys. And now I and my girlfriend and my mother are off to see Die Another Day. And there is some CHILD behind me who will NOT stop yapping and making smart remarks about everything on screen. In fairness Die Another Day was an abortion of a movie but it's not like I couldn't have figured that out without the help of Augustus Gloop, right? So finally my patience snapped, I turned around, looked daggers at the kid and gave him the sort of slow throat-slashing gesture that gets a 15 yard penalty in the NFL. And made sure his dad saw. I mean, yes I had 20 years and 20 pounds on the brat, but a) PG-13, hello, and b) ain't NOBODY above an ass whoopin', and if you can't check your spawn I will put my Docs so far up your ass that you'll blow Dubbin out your nose for a month. I saw the dad at a urinal after and considered giving him a Pearl Harbor but ultimately decided the day was bad enough without getting Birmingham PD to run me in on a 32 and wind up in a cell with Big Alice from the West End. Plus I wasn't wearing steel toes back then.

  2. your post script nearly woke the baby! (I was laughing a little hard)
    Anyhow, I'm more of the break my eyebrow giving someone the dirty look kinda person. But I guess that it would have been hard if it was dark and they couldn't see you and all that.
    "I would have been forced to punch her in the back of the head, resulting in her biting down on his junk." >> heh heh heh.

  3. Yeah, it's all in the body language. You can convey a lot without actually saying anything. I've got some looks that could kill and I pull them out on special occasions.

  4. I would have told them to shut the fuck up.

    Your funny business line made me think of the one time a friend and I went to see Mr. & Mrs. Smith and some guy was jacking off next to my friend and she didn't tell me until AFTER the movie. It wasn't that great of a movie!

  5. Glad to know I'm not the only one who hates the movie talkers. Sometimes I can't even focus on the movie because I'm SO ANGRY that people won't stop talking. I try to always sit in the very back row so if there are talkers at least the sound will be in front of me instead of behind me. It's true, I spend a lot of time on movie-talker-avoidance-and-stopping-tactics. :)

    I've never had the guts to say anything to a talker, but I've often thought of what would be the right thing to say to get them to shut up. I've considered the "I'm hard of hearing and I can't hear the movie with you talking" - but I'm afraid I'll secretly jinx myself into hearing loss by saying that :) If you find something that works - I'd love to know!

  6. i usually just keep turning around to give them the stink-eye. it usually works. i'm pretty scary looking.