Tuesday, December 23, 2008

missing in action: my holiday cards

It is Christmas Eve's Eve and I haven't mailed out any holiday cards. Okay, that's a lie, I mailed out four cards, so those four people should be grateful to receive such a rare and amazing gift. You are so very welcome.

I really had the best intentions of getting cards in the mail early this year. I bought a couple of nice boxes from Paper Source and even rounded up all the addresses I thought I would need. I didn't go so far as to buy stamps, but I did look at some on usps.com, so that counts for something. But then something happened, I don't know what, but my plan to mail the cards fell apart. In fact, right now I don't have a clue where the boxes of cards are hiding. I'm sure they'll turn up on the 26th and I'll have to talk myself out of mailing them then.

By not sending many cards this year, have I gotten myself bumped from my friend's card list for next year? Will I have a year of no cards, where I have to atone for my no holiday card sins from this year? Will I not get any cards until I send a card first? I'm honestly worried about this because I love getting holiday cards. I promise, next year I'll be on the ball! I'll mail the cards the day I buy them! I will not slack!

In other "I'm stupid" news, I'm going to the mall tomorrow. The stores open at 8am and I'm going to try to get there as close to that time as possible. In and out, that's my goal. Stop laughing. Really, it can be done. Just you watch.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

I'm not sleeping enough, keep that in mind while you read

All day today I've been feeling pukey. Pukey complete with dry heaves. Fun, right? I hadn't really had anything to eat and thought that could be the cause of the nausea so I grabbed some oatmeal. Then I chased it with some Chex Mix Chocolate Turtle. I was pretty sure I wouldn't puke up the oatmeal, but I wasn't so certain about the Chex Mix. And really, if i'm going to eat anything that might be a puking threat, I want it to be chocolate because when it comes back up, it is extra gross. I know this because one time I made a friend a chocolate cake, which we ate while drinking our way through a bottle of vodka. Later, while we were puking, (one in the bathroom, the other off the front porch. classy!) we couldn't stop laughing at the fact that our puke was black. Because when you're 21, black puke is hella funny.

Anyway, back to the dry heaves. I'm not sure why I've been feeling so under the weather lately. It could be thanks to a lack of sleep, which has also been plaguing me. I've had no problems going to sleep, but every night for the past two weeks I've woken up between 3:30 and 5am. I'm fully awake, and could probably actually get out of bed and do something useful if it weren't 3:30 in the fucking morning. The first couple of nights that this happened I was able to get back to sleep pretty easily but that has stopped happening. Last night I laid in bed for a good hour, tossing and turning, trying to get back to sleep.

Today I was able to stay in pajamas, alternating between the couch and the bed. If I don't sleep well tonight I can lounge around all day tomorrow until jparks and I attend a dinner at a restaurant run by a cult. But on Monday I have to drag myself to work, where a nap after lunch isn't an option. So this whole not sleeping through the night thing needs to stop. And I bet if it leaves then the dry heaves will go with it. And the stuffiness I've been dealing with for a few days. If I don't start making it through the night then I can't promise that I won't take a mid afternoon nap in our storage office at work. And while the floor in that office is pretty gross, I can turn the lights off without too many people noticing and that trumps grossness. Maybe I should throw a bag with a blanket and pillow in there. Man, I'm pathetic.

Monday, December 15, 2008

spreading holiday cheer

In Christmases past I was an on the ball gift giver. I used to brag that I always managed to get my shopping done by the week before Thanksgiving, because I am awesome and you are a failure. Also because the mall after Thanksgiving just about scares the ever living crap out of me. The relentless Christmas songs! The ugly festive sweaters! And why is it always so warm in there? I sweat and sweat and then sweat some more and that makes me sad.

Of course that was before home ownership, or as I like to call it, the time of zero disposable income. This year I started Christmas shopping on the Sunday after Thanksgiving and only bought two things. I have since then bought my mom's Christmas gift online and that's really about it. But my gift list is no shorter than it has been in any past year, which leaves me in quite a pickle.

Today, knowing that I needed a few more gifts, I went to World Market on my lunch. I found a few things I wanted, headed to the registers to check out but then I was stopped dead in my tracks. There were only two cashiers open and each had at least fifteen people in line. I'm sorry people that I was going to buy gifts for, but I would have lost my mind if I had waited to check out. I planned on hitting a mall tomorrow at lunch, but have changed my mind. Having to come up with bail money after punching a fellow shopper in the back of the head doesn't seem like a good economic decision in these recession-ish times.

So my question is: can I just wimp out and buy gift cards for anyone that I have left on my list? And can I wait to buy those gift cards until after Christmas? I mean, does it say "Oh, you got me a gift and I didn't get you one so I ran out and got you this thoughtless gift card after the fact"? What if I present the gift card with some homemade cookies? Everyone likes cookies, so that makes it better, right?

Thursday, December 11, 2008

let's not build something together

At some point in the past two years I have become an angry, letter writing, cranky old woman. It started when Whole Foods sold me some foul tuna. Jparks and I had planned a meal around this tuna and when we opened the pack, I wanted to vomit. It smelled horrible, beyond fishy, and we decided that even if we covered it in some kind of sauce, there was no way we could eat it. So we threw away $15 worth of tuna and I was not happy about it. We probably had cereal for dinner that night because once I'm home, there is no leaving the house again.

The next day I wrote a letter to the manager of my local Whole Foods and felt much better. Letter writing was awesome! I got to complain, without actually having to go to the store, ask for the manager, wait for him to drag his ass up front, explain the situation, explain it again when he just stares at me blankly, and then accept his weak apology while being able to see just how much he doesn't care about me and my tuna issues. Viva la letter writing!

I had been happy in my letter writing ways up until this morning. See, our Christmas tree is officially dead. I can no longer deny it, nor can I do anything to save it, that sucker is DEAD. And I am pissed. I mean, Christmas trees usually last forever. Okay, maybe not forever, but longer than two weeks. I immediatly wanted to write a letter complaining to Lowe's, but I also want a new tree. And while a letter might yield a gift card from them at some point down the road, I need that new tree now. So I called the store this morning and then swallowed some broken glass bits just for comparative purposes. In the end I decided that the glass swallowing was the more pleasant experience.

I asked to speak to a manager and I'm fairly certain I was put through to a bored employee pretending to be a manager. I told her my tree had died, that I thought it was unusual, and asked if anyone else has complained about trees purchased from them. She responded with "Well, you have to water it." "Yeah I understand that, which is why I water it every morning." "Well, I don't know what to tell you."

She then offered to transfer me to the gardening center because "they might have more information for you regarding tree care" but I hung up before the transfer went through. The last thing I need is to be told to water the tree again. Unfortunately the phone call left me mad enough to still want to write a letter and to publicly shame Lowe's with a blog post.

Shame on you Lowe's! You suck! Now I have to go buy another tree (which, yes I will be doing this weekend because I must have a tree) which will just make me bitter and angry, because I have already bought and paid for one tree this year. (For the record, the second tree will not come from Lowe's).

Lowe's, I'm giving you the virtual stink eye. You should expect my letter shortly.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

tardy to the party

I know in the past I've said I'll watch any show Bravo airs, but that was a lie. What I meant to say was I'll watch any reality competition or spin off from a reality competition that Bravo airs. Of course I watch the popular competitions, like Project Runway and Top Chef, but I'm also a total sucker for Top Design and Shear Genius. And I'm not above admitting to watching the whole series of Make Me A Supermodel. Honestly, sometimes the less brain activity a show requires on my part, the better.

On Saturday afternoon I was searching for something mindless to watch so I could relax and maybe take a nap, but I discovered that I had nothing on tivo worthy of half-conscious viewing. I clicked through over to Bravo hoping that there would be a Top Chef marathon but instead found a Housewives of Atlanta marathon. And people, that was television gold.

I caught the last episode of the season and the reunion episode, where one housewife had to sit on another so she wouldn't beat the ass of a third housewife. It was awesome. After the reunion episode, the Real Housewives of Orange County came on and it was good too. I have no idea why I resisted the Real Housewives for so long, but I'm making up for lost time by picking up season passes to both of them.

Jparks tried to watch a bit of the shows with me and made it through about twenty minutes before he just couldn't stand it anymore. He really tried his best, but he couldn't get over the fact that I was willing to watch a show where a fight that happened in an earlier episode was still heavily talked about and yet, no one mentions what the fight is about. "Why do they all hate each other?" "I don't know." 4 minutes later "Why do they all hate each other?" "You have seen exactly as much as me, so how could I possibly know if you don't." Not long after that he left the room muttering under his breath about how stupid the show is. He is obviously of a mindset that all television viewing needs to be high quality, like his favorite show Stargate Atlantis.

So, is anyone else watching the Real Housewives? Why do Nene and Kim hate each other? And who is Kim's Big Poppa? And why does Kim insist that she's 29? And as for the Housewives of the OC, OMG I just love them all. I think I need to see if the past three seasons are available on dvd because I need to start at the beginning. Maybe get to the bottom of why Don doesn't fill Vicki's love tank anymore. Or find out why Jeana is allowing her ex-husband to live in her house. I have so many unanswered questions!

Friday, December 5, 2008

glitter and strippers and christmas, oh my!

The Christmas tree we brought home last weekend is crapping out on us. Our living room floor is completely covered in needles no matter how many times we sweep. Every time I plug in the lights, a plethora of needles rains down. Tangi bats at an ornament and ends up needle coated. I pour water into the stand and have to shake my hair out. I do not understand, why is my tree shedding at such an astounding rate? Seriously, if it keeps losing needles at this rate it will be totally bare by Christmas. I've never had a tree do this before, are there recent innovations in the Christmas tree industry that I should know about that help keep the tree needle covered?

Besides having a house covered in pine needles, we also have a light dusting of glitter everywhere thanks to the tree topper I made. It's like we had a party but only invited strippers, who then rubbed all over every surface in our house. I don't think we hosted such a party, but you never know, I'm not here all the time. But the house doesn't smell like stripper so I think it's safe to blame the tree topper.

Despite the constant sweeping and strip club interior of my house, I still think the tree is worth it. I don't think it would feel like Christmas without it, especially since jparks and I have already exchanged most of our gifts. We're traditional like that. And for the record, I'm not 100% sold on the blue lights on the tree. Outside, yes. On a tree, not so much. I'm a white light purist.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

overly excited by the little things

Today has been one of those days where I just felt all wonky. Not sick or bad, just generally disconnected from the stuff happening around me. In every situation something felt off and a couple of times something was actually off. Like the driver that decided he wanted to be in my lane right that very second and would be damned if my car was going to stop them. Or the weird guy at Whole Foods that I thought was a company rep offering samples of cookies, but was actually just a crazy guy that opened a pack of cookies and was giving them out.

So yeah, today was just an odd day where nothing felt quite right. And when I checked my mail and found a small package addressed to Mr. Regan Parks, I figured it was just par for the course. The package was from the Disables Veterans Foundation and appeared to contain a small statue or something similar that they were hoping would be so awe inspiring I would whip out my checkbook and make a donation right then. I loved random and weird crap, so immediately my head filled with ideas of what it could be. Statue of a guy missing limbs? Maybe an old guy wearing an eye patch and saluting? The options were endless.

Which is why, when I opened the box and saw a mug, I was rather disappointed. A mug? Boring. But then I pulled the mug out and saw this:
Mr. Regan Parks
Not only had they addressed the package to Mr. Regan Parks, but they printed my name like that ON THE MUG. I actually get a lot of junk mail suggesting that I'm in possession of a penis, but I have never received a mug. Good job Disabled Vets, you have just sent me my new favorite free thing I have ever received via the mail.

Plus the other side has a bitchin' eagle on it:

What's the most bizarre free thing you've gotten in the mail?