Friday, January 30, 2009

hairy situation

Yesterday I went to the mall to return a few things and to start the fun adventure of shopping for a dress to wear to wedding when I'm too big to fit in my regular clothes, but too small to properly wear maternity clothes. And while now might not be the best time to spend money on new clothes, all of my current dresses were struggling to contain my boobs and no one wants to be that girl at a wedding. You know, the kind of girl that you see and have to sneak pictures of because, really, who sluts it up that much at a wedding?

I wasn't planning on dress shopping while I was at the mall so I wasn't properly prepared. Let's just say that when it's cold and you feel like crap, it's pretty hard to motivate yourself to shave. And for me, that includes armpit shaving because I just want to get in and out of the shower as fast as possible. (am I the only one that hates showering when they don't feel well? All that standing just requires so much effort.) I figured I could get in and out of the fitting rooms without being bothered and this was the case at Banana Republic, J. Crew, and Macy's. It was not the case with White House Black Market.

I don't know if the girls at White House were just really bored, or if I've forgotten just how hands on their customer service is because they were all over me. They brought me at least 8 dresses to try on and I had to step out of the room to see a mirror. The first time I came out one girl was at my feet slapping heels on me and another was giving me a wrap to try and both of them had to get a good look at the hair I'm sprouting.

I will give them credit because if they were taken back by the hair, they didn't show it. But that only made me more uncomfortable. I so wanted to apologize but there's really no way to do that without making yourself seem like even more of a freak, you know? "Sorry I'm so hairy, I wasn't expecting to come shopping today. Not that I only shave when I'm going shopping. Because if that were the case my husband would want me to shop more often. Maybe I'll start applying that to my life. Um yeah so, uh, sorry."

In the end, partially out of guilt and partially because the dresses were all so cute, I walked out for four new dresses for one wedding. The majority of them are going back after I can try them on without salegirls fawning over me and declaring each one cuter than the last. Although part of me wants to take them back to another location so the same girls won't see me and judge me again for the hair. And so I won't feel compelled to try on more clothes just so they can see that I've finally shaved. Not that I have shaved but I'm sure at some point I will. My laziness is bound to fail sometime.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

home ownership is hard. whinnne.

Jparks and I were not made for home improvements. Not that we're doing the actual work, but I'm not even made to arrange for it to be done, as is evident by the many things that have gone wrong over the past week. Way to be overly dramatic Regan, because really things didn't go wrong so much as I went "wait, crap, what?" a couple of times.

First we had new stairs put in. This required the carpet on the existing stairs be ripped out, the bare wood sanded, new wood cut, and finally laid on the steps. I wasn't prepared for the sanding portion of this improvement and was shocked when it set off our smoke alarms. I was even more shocked when the dust settled on every single surface of my house. Jparks ordered me and Lily to the bedroom so we wouldn't suck up too much dust and when we finally were allowed back down, the whole first floor was covered in a light dusting of snow. And because I do not have any clue about how to clean, we were stuck with the dust until our cleaner could come. Seriously, shouldn't the stair guy have warned us?

The next project was having our bedroom painted. The guys came yesterday to do it and holy shit, does that room now look awesome. But I wasn't counting on the fumes. The fumes that made us not able to sleep in our room last night and forced us to sleep on the futon. Do you know how impossible it is to go from a king sized bed to a futon? It is very IMPOSSIBLE. I normally wake up a few times during the night, but last night I was awake more than I was asleep. And the fumes are still bad enough tonight that jparks has ordered us back to the futon for another sleepless night. I am seriously considering knocking jparks out with some Benadryl and going to the hotel around the corner for the night.

We still have another set of stairs to have installed and no way to cover the area to prevent the dust again. Thankfully my cleaning lady won't mind the extra work. And we still have more things to paint, but our bedroom is done so my sleep won't be disturbed anymore. Because after tonight, I refuse to share a futon with my husband ever again, so help me god.

Next month we have jparks large shelving unit installed and I can't wait to see what complications can arise from that. Maybe a worker will nail himself to it and have to spend the night in our room. It really wouldn't surprise me at this point in time.

Saturday, January 24, 2009

side effects

This first week of unemployment flew by in a haze of home repairs, dinners with friends, and doctor appointments. It turns out unemployment: not so bad after all. I mean, yeah having money would be nice, but did you know that once you're knocked up you have to go to the doctor a lot. And being able to tell the receptionist "You tell me when my next appointment is" rather than doing the dance of "We have a spot open on Monday at 1." "No, I have a meeting then." "Wednesday at 10?" "Nope, meeting then too." is just a thing of beauty that I never understood before.

But I have found that there are a few side effects to unemployment that I wasn't expecting. Nothing big, just little glitches that are going to take a bit for me to figure out. The first thing is yesterday, Friday, I went to a hair appointment, then to the mall, then to dinner with friends. When jparks and I got home at 8:30-ish, there was a package on our doorstep from UPS. I said "Wow, weird for UPS to deliver this last on a Saturday" and he just sort of grunted an agreement without acknowledging that it wasn't Saturday. Later, as we settled into bed I realized my mistake and said "Holy crap, today's Friday, not Saturday. Tomorrow's not Sunday. I am so confused." Jparks said "Yeah, I was wondering what you were thinking but decided not to say anything." I don't know if it's cute that he was just going to let me think that my life is full of weekends or maddening that he would have let me walk around for who knows how long being all confused.

The other unexpected side effect of unemployment is that I can't keep up with all the blogs in my google reader. Apparently I did most of my blog reading in the office. Who knew I wasted so much company time, perhaps I deserved to be laid off. (In my defense I spent a lot of time in luxury suites with wifi and a laptop waiting for clients to arrive. And now I've made myself sound like a high class hooker.) If you are a blog in my normal rotation and you find I'm leaving comments on old posts, please don't judge me. I'm trying really hard to keep up with everyone, but some of you are blogging machines. And I am a slacker. Won't someone employee me again so I can keep with with the internet?

On a totally unrelated note, last night jparks and I had dinner with a very pregnant friend of ours. She is currently having hourly contractions and I kept looking at her and thinking "Oh hell no, I CAN NOT DO THAT." Perhaps that is something I should have considered 12 weeks ago. And I got a couple of emails asking if I'm excited about this pregnancy because I didn't seem like it when I announced the news. Yes, I am excited. As excited as someone can be while feeling like they are dying from a baby shaped tumor that is eating their intestines. It's a difficult excited to explain.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

sniff her butt!

I was a little worried that with getting laid off I would have nothing to blog about except for things along the lines of "omg, today's Golden Girls episode was amazing!" or "big day today, I did laundry!" But have no fear, I'm on day 3 of unemployment and I have not only content to present you with, but it's real live video content.

We sent Lily to the vet yesterday for a painfully expensive dental cleaning where they had to sedate her. I guess at some point she pooped on herself at the vet's and they didn't clean her off too well. Jparks really wanted me to bath her but I played the "how will you be able to bath a baby if you can't bath a dog" card and forced him to do it.

First we have Lily swimming while jparks gives her a blow out:

When he was done with the blow out, he sniffed her butt. Of course the camera was off then and when I turned it back on he refused to repeat the sniffing. I really have no idea why he would refuse to sniff the dog's butt on camera when he knows I'm going to post it here. So here's me begging him to sniff her butt:

Aren't you all psyched to see what unemployment brings to my blog next?

Friday, January 16, 2009

you take the good, you take the bad

If you follow me on twitter than you probably saw my message that said this:
Picture 16.png

So yeah, yesterday was a fun day at work. I know I haven't ever really spoken about my job here and that was specifically because I (mostly) liked my job and didn't want to lose it. Too late now! The deal is that we were technically still a start up and we needed more funding. Funding that my bosses were expecting to get, but couldn't come up with. Funding that would have covered my next paycheck. So yesterday our whole sales team and service team, which is the team I was part of, was laid off.

Now, it's not all bad news. The company isn't going away. I was offered a small amount of work as a contract employee (small like 3 to 6 hours a week). It's not enough money to make up for my newly missing salary, but it's something. Because I'm thinking that with the economy totally sucking and this:

unemployed and knocked up

that finding a job might be kind of difficult.

This wasn't exactly the way I planned on spreading the news but now seems like as good of a time as any. I was hoping that I could wait until I had an ultrasound with a picture of something resembling a human, but the only picture I have so far makes it look like I'm birthing a bean, and my doctor's appointment next week is sans ultrasound. So, you'll have to make due with a picture of something I peed on. But I peed on it just for you! You're so special!

I'm due August 11, and I swear it's a boy even though I have no hard evidence to support this, only a fear of smegma and football.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to daytime tv. Kristabella has given me unemployment advice and it seems I'm not in need of a shower but I do need to figure out what channel Soapnet is so I can watch old 90210 and the OC. Good times!

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

settling in for the long haul

With the economy really tanking, jparks and I have come to the realization that our quaint little townhouse might be our home for a bit longer than planned. The revelation that this house will not just be a short step on our plan to total house domination (I want a yaaaaarrrrrd) has sent jparks into a frenzy of "OMG, must accomplish every little home improvement we have ever talked about doing, even if it was only mentioned in a fleeting off-handed manner!" While I, on the other hand, decided that maybe it is time to find something to hang in the living room about the couch. (seriously, we have a massive wall there and it is blank. Well almost blank, since two speakers hang from it. When I get home I'll take a picture so you can stop trying to imagine the riveting imagine that is a blank wall)

Some of jparks' home improvements I've been on board for, see the new mattress and fridge, but others I'm just letting him do because trying to stop him would be impossible. Actually it would be possible, but the whining I would have to endure would kill me, for he is truly a champion whiner. Ask Whitney, she's seen it first hand and has witnessed me cave to his whines for vanillaaaaa puuuuuudding when I just finished making chocolate pudding.

His first big project is to have a rather large entertainment center/bookshelf/shelving/drawer/storage unit custom built for our bedroom. Let all of those words sink in and imagine just how much that is costing us. We've had a woman from the company that is building the monstrous piece of furniture over twice now to discuss options and to hand over all the money we have and an IOU for all the money we will make in the future. They are coming in two weeks to remeasure the space and then in February the thing will be constructed in my home, because once complete it is too big to move. Yeah, too big to move. But good news! I get to supply my own knobs and handles for the drawers and cabinets, so that's fun, right?

After this he plans on lowering some built in desks, having two sets of stairs changed from carpet to hard wood (the stair guy only puts the wood in, jparks will have to varnish it himself), and some other things that I'm sure I'm forgetting that he will remind me about as soon as he reads this. My contribution to the house, besides deciding that the living room needs art but not actually shopping for it, was that I decided to buy this for the bathroom counter (sans monogram):

Picture 1

Except it is now unavailable on pbteen because I procrastinated and when it went on clearance all the other 14 year olds beat me to it. Those little bitches. Anyone know of something similar that I can buy? Because if jparks gets his wall sized shelving unit, I think I deserve my little counter sized one.

Monday, January 12, 2009

happy belated birthday to me

Yesterday was my birthday, as facebook might have told you. I was planning on sleeping in but one of the cats had different plans and woke me by throwing up a birthday gift onto my new quilt. My new quilt that doesn't fit in the washing machine. That was on the bed for less than 24 hours. In unrelated news, I have one cat for sale, she's really cheap. Email me if you're interested.

After I dragged myself out of the bed, I headed to the bathroom where I expected to find my reflection no different than the day before. I am not one of those people that believes turning a year older magically adds wrinkles to your face or bags under your eyes, so I was shocked when I looked in the mirror and realized that holy hell, I looked older. I immediately started rooting around for whatever debagging eye lotions I could find because I was not pretty. Lotions were applied and I'm fairly certain they did no good, other than making me feel better about myself. So success!

The rest of the day was spent at parties for other people (not that I'm saying they weren't fun. Just saying that the parties were not for me. I'm not so narcissistic that I need multiple parties planned for me. Just one party. Once a year. With some cake.) which prompted jparks to say "Baby, I forgot to order you a cake. I really suck at birthdays." And while I'm not denying his suckyness at birthdays, I will say that he bought me this (well, sort of this one, but in the next size up because I like massive bags):

And that pretty bag just about makes up for the lack of a cake, candles, and a card. Although jparks should make a note that next year I'm turning 30 and he should plan a party. With chocolate cake. Add it to your task list now baby.

Thursday, January 8, 2009


Since I laid on my couch for 13 days recently, I discovered a channel that I didn't know about, Fine Living Network. The overall theme of this channel is "Hey America, you could really learn some manners from England!" Most of the shows on FLN are tolerable, but there's one in particular that drives me insane and yet I can't stop watching it. I apparently really love to torture myself, as is evident by the fact that not only will I watch the show if it's on while I'm home, but I picked up a TiVo season pass. Because god forbid I not miss the awfulness.

The show is called Whatever, Martha! and consists of Martha Stewart's daughter Alexis and her friend Jennifer snarking their way through old episodes of Martha's shows. I saw a commercial and thought that it would be the best show on television ever. I love Martha and snark and tv, so how could this show let me down? Holy crap, was I wrong.

The two hosts come off as spoiled bratty idiots and are not funny. They move in and out of super thick Jersey accents as if they've been told to hide them, but occasionally forget. Alexis repeatedly rolls her eyes at Jennifer, as if Jennifer is the dumbest human ever to have lived, which Hi, Alexis, you are giving her a real run for that title. They occasionally attempt whatever craft Martha is featuring and end up failing at it brilliantly, which does not endear them to me in any way. You aren't proving how hard and ridiculous the craft is by screwing it up, you're just proving that you're a moron. A not funny moron.

It's not that I'm against snarky television. I used to watch Mystery Science Theatre 3000. I use snark in my ever day life. I love snark, but only when it's done properly. Here's my proposal: who wants to start a show where we watch other shows and sit around and snark our way through them? We can start small by posting our show on You Tube until a network picks us up. I'll provide snacks and the place we snark, you can provide additional snark and suggestions of shows that need our treatment.

If the Whatever, Martha! girls can have a television and a radio show based around their pathetic senses of humor, imagine the total world domination you and I can have. We'll be un-freaking-stoppable. So who's on board?

Monday, January 5, 2009

when he wore the sequined tux jacket, I died of happiness

Friday of last week was supposed to be my first day back at work but my boss noticed that we were the only people on the face of the earth working (besides Kristabella) and let me go home right before lunchtime. So today I'm back in the saddle for my first full day of work since Dec 23. I've got to say that while I don't get nearly enough vacation days per year, having the stretch of time from Christmas Eve to New Year's off is a pretty sweet deal.

Since I haven't been working, I've been spending my days lounging on my couch and watching the Food Network for hours and hours. (Sandra Lee, I hate you with a burning degree of hatred I never knew existed. Fuck you and your tablescapes) This has led me to much confusion about what the date is and exactly how far into January we are. I'm one of those people with a January birthday, but unlike those poor people that have very early January birthdays and only get one set of gifts, my birthday is just far enough in to allow the holiday rush to simmer down and if someone were to try and tell me that my Christmas gift was also my birthday gift, well, they would just look like a douche face (new favorite insult. Have called jparks a douche face at least 40 times so far this year) ((also, I only expect birthday gifts from my mom and jparks. This post is not a hint to you. Unless you want to buy me a gift. In which case, might I show you my amazon wishlist?)) Anyway, the point of all that rambling is that my birthday is this Sunday! Holy crap, who's excited? Me, I am!

But this post has gone off on a major tangent because it was not started so that I could point out that my birthday is Sunday. No, it was started to point out that tonight Gossip Girl comes back! Now I know Chuck Bass is not everyone's cup of tea, but gaw, do I ever love him. And tonight we get to see Chuck Bass possibly, maybe, nearly fall off a roof. Also, possibly, maybe in an opium den having sex with a modern geisha. Oh, the anticipation is killing me.

I know I'm not the only person excited that Gossip Girl is coming back tonight. In fact, I know ML has my back on the idea that Chuck Bass is awesome but surely we can't be the only two. Are you a Gossip Girl junkie? Do you love Dorota? Do you hate Vanessa? Did you cry when Chuck showed up at Blair's house in that last episode and they spooned in bed with Chuck being the little spoon? Because I know I can't be the only one.

xoxo, regan

Friday, January 2, 2009

nothing says kiss me like peeling lips

I've picked up a nasty little habit recently, something that I want to stop, but for some reason I just can't. I've become a full fledged lip chewer. I'm now the girl that can't wear lipstick because it only highlights the strips of skin peeling off her lips. (Not that I actually wear lipstick, I'm more of a gloss kind of girl)

The chewing started when it turned cold and my lips got chapped. From there it was a slippery slope of lip licking to chewing and dear god, I'm disgusting myself right now. I've really got to stop the chewing because my lips now hurt, in a "jparks, please don't kiss me" sort of way. I've found that wearing chapsticks or glosses don't stop me from gnawing, especially if they have any sort of flavor. Because apparently I am 9 years old again and mmmm, my lip smacker tastes like Dr. Pepper! nom nom nom my lips are good eats!

I think to break the habit I need to start with the original problem, the chapped lips. I've never used an exfoliating lip scrub before but desperate times call for desperate measures. Sephora sells one, of course, but I'm sure it's something I can make myself for a bit less than $15. From there I need a completely unflavored chapstick that actually works. Perhaps boring old ChapStick in the black tube, which I haven't bought in ages because it is so boring.

I guess stopping this habit will be the closet thing to a resolution I'm making this year. Not that I have anything against resolutions, it's just that I'm lazy. Yearly I set goals and then I don't meet them, leaving me feeling a bit disappointed in my ability to make a change for the better. So this year, I'm not making a resolution. Or rather, I am but I'm doing it by setting the bar really low. Come on self, you can break this habit that you've had for less than two months! Maybe if I accomplish this resolution, next year I'll work on something bigger. Like getting my eyebrows waxed in a regular, timely fashion. woohoo, 2010 could be a huge year for me and my eyebrows.

Thursday, January 1, 2009

back on the grid

Now that Christmas and New Year's Eve are things of the past, it's time I dig myself out of my hole and join the world again. And while I have enjoyed not working since the 23rd, it's probably just the right time for me to drag my ass back to the office because I'm working my way through my Netflix queue a bit too quickly. (Also, Netflix on TiVo? AWESOME. While most of the newest dvds aren't available yet, lots of tv on dvd is. I made it through the first two seasons of Weeds in less than two days.)

This holiday season the theme for our gifts to ourselves was: Upgrade! We upgraded our refrigerator to one that's 28 cubic feet big. I could hide a body in the pull out freezer, so you might want to think twice about pissing me off from now on. We also upgraded our bed to a king sized Tempur-Pedic, which holy hell, is huge. Jparks can sleep at an angle (which he's being doing lately, forcing me to sleep on the smallest sliver of bed you can imagine) and I can still spread out to whatever position is comfortable for me. And the two cats and the dog can get in bed with us and not make me feel like I'm drowning in a sea of furry bodies. Oh king sized bed, why did I resist you for so long?

Last night, in keeping with tradition, jparks and I went to a friends house to play wii and ring in the new year. This year, instead of Guitar Hero, we partied hard with pinball and I am now hopelessly addicted to it. We ate pizza and watched a very pregnant lady almost induce labor by playing with champagne poppers. Good times were had by all.

Today I have spent the day on my couch, watching bad movies (Just My Luck and Dude, Where's My Car. Shut up, I was comfy and the remote wasn't within reach). An internet friend pointed out that there is a superstition that says whatever you do on New Year's Day is what you'll do for the rest of the year. So cheers to 2009, which I am dubbing the Year of the Incredibly Bad Movie. Or maybe it'll be the Year of Incredible Laziness. Either way, happy 2009 everyone!