Wednesday, March 18, 2009

like house arrest but not court ordered

Today and yesterday I've been stuck at home all day. Today I was stuck because the Salvation Army was coming to pick up some furniture and yesterday I have no recollection of why I was stuck here. Seriously, I know I had to be here for most of the day, but I have no idea why and my calendar is offering no insight into the situation. Could it have been that I was stuck due to my own laziness and I just didn't want to shower? That doesn't seem right, but who the hell knows. Anyway. I've been stuck inside for two days now and I might be losing my mind a little bit. The idea of a trip to Target is so exciting that I might just pee a little bit when I go tomorrow.

Today not only was I stuck a the house, but I couldn't shower, so I spent the morning lounging in a tee shirt that is growing increasingly too small in the stomach region. Since I was in a tight shirt (which is not nearly as sexy as jparks is currently imagining) I decided to do the dreaded "stand sideways and see how much weight I've put on" stance and that's when I realized that I might be carrying this kid in my ass. Don't get me wrong, in the past few days my stomach has started to pop out and the days of my weight going down from puking are now solidly behind me. But that doesn't mean my ass needs to be expanding at this rate. I think what I have going on is that the placenta might be growing split in two, with a piece in each ass cheek. Has that ever happened before? If not, imagine the media coverage I'll get!

The whole expanding ass has caused me to think that maybe I should be getting some exercise. I've been meaning to go to some prenatal yoga classes but did you know that the people giving those classes want money for them? And lately I've been freaking out about money and the thought of paying for a yoga class that I don't really want to attend seems frivolous. I mean, can't I just get a prenatal yoga dvd from netflix and get the same results? Plus I then wouldn't have to go to the yoga center and take a class with all the other preggos that look like they've swallowed a basketball and who's asses aren't placenta filled.

Speaking of fat asses, you'll have to excuse the lack of ending here because a key lime pie is calling to me from the kitchen and I'm going to have to answer its call immediately. And don't think this is a pregnancy related calling, because key lime pie calls must always be answered no matter the state of your uterus.


  1. Key lime pie must NEVER be ignored.

  2. At least you have a completely legit excuse for your expanding ass. The rest of us are just fat! :)

  3. Ah yes, I carried annabel's placenta there and am doing same with baby #2. Sadly enough, once baby is born then ALL of the baby weight will go there for the next year for me.

  4. I hate key lime pie. Yes, I know. Don't forget, I hate cheese too.

  5. You CAN get the same results with a DVD from Netflix. Just be warned that by the middle of the 2nd trimester, I really felt like I couldn't do most of the exercises, because my stomach was so heavy. Seriously, the one I had wanted me to do some wall squats that I couldn't do in the best of shape. And pregnancy was not the best of shape for me.

  6. I don't like key lime pie either.

    Also, if I ever get pregnant, I do not plan to be a healthy pregnant person.