Have I mentioned that I hired a doula because labor scares me more than I can find the words to describe? For example, here's a typical conversation with me when the topic turns to labor: "Labor? You mean when the baby exits my body? Fuckeurivnrwushitmsvdfkngoddammit." My hope is that the doula will keep me from freaking out too much and will also keep me from killing jparks because I imagine if there were ever a time when murder would be a real option, while I push his baby out and he stands there pain free, that might be the time.
So we hired a doula and have our first real meeting with her this weekend. (as opposed to the interview meeting where we just kind of all stared at each other and occasionally I would mutter something that sounded like a question, all the while praying that we wouldn't do something to scare her off) At this meeting we have to turn in our paperwork that includes a questionnaire titled "Getting To Know You" and if our doula can make it through that and not quit on us, then I'll know we made the right decision.
It started innocently enough with questions like "Have you had any surgeries or traumas that might effect your labor?" and "How do you respond to everyday pain?" But the questions quickly turn to ones that I am not able to answer without sarcasm, such as "What are your expectations about this birth?" Answer: "To end up with a baby and as little damage to my ladytown as possible." "What are your fears/anxieties?" I couldn't even answer that one so I just wrote "Oh so many" because people LABOR! HOLY CRAP!
I turned to the next page of questions and promptly ran crying for my mom. "During delivery, I'd like: To view the birth using a mirror, To touch my baby's head as it crowns, To risk a tear rather than have an episiotomy, and/or To have my partner catch the baby." I know birth is natural and beautiful and blah blah blah, but I don't need to see the birth in a mirror. Really, I just don't. And I don't want jparks catching the baby. I imagine it will be like catching a greased pig and I can just see my kid hitting the floor as it slides right out of jparks' hands.
One of my favorite questions is "After birth, I'd like: My partner to cut the cord, To hold my baby right away delaying procedures for up to an hour, and/or To say a prayer or read something meaningful or sing a special song" A special song! Yes, please! Jparks and I have been debating about what song might be the most inappropriate one to sing and the front runners right now are "Ice Ice Baby" "Baby Got Back" and "Fuck The Police." (nothing against the police, it's just the song would be comically inappropriate) Can you imagine, you've just delivered your first child and you bust out with Baby Got Back! There is no way that the doctor and nurses wouldn't start singing with you because that song is infectious. The whole delivery room would be a chorus of "So fellas! YEAH! Fellas! YEAH! Has your girlfriend got the butt? HELL YEAH!"
And finally the last question is not much of a question but I love it none the less. "IMPORTANT: My code word for pain relief is [Blank]" I can pick any word I want and if I shout it out the drugs will be given. ANY WORD! This is so exciting. I'm thinking Neil Patrick Harris will be my word "Bring me my Neil Patrick Harris NOW!" but I'm open to other suggestions. So bring it on, what would you yell out if you really wanted drugs and were trying to keep your sense of humor in tact while squeezing a watermelon through a tiny hole?