Friday, March 27, 2009

oh my god Becky, look at her butt

Have I mentioned that I hired a doula because labor scares me more than I can find the words to describe? For example, here's a typical conversation with me when the topic turns to labor: "Labor? You mean when the baby exits my body? Fuckeurivnrwushitmsvdfkngoddammit." My hope is that the doula will keep me from freaking out too much and will also keep me from killing jparks because I imagine if there were ever a time when murder would be a real option, while I push his baby out and he stands there pain free, that might be the time.

So we hired a doula and have our first real meeting with her this weekend. (as opposed to the interview meeting where we just kind of all stared at each other and occasionally I would mutter something that sounded like a question, all the while praying that we wouldn't do something to scare her off) At this meeting we have to turn in our paperwork that includes a questionnaire titled "Getting To Know You" and if our doula can make it through that and not quit on us, then I'll know we made the right decision.

It started innocently enough with questions like "Have you had any surgeries or traumas that might effect your labor?" and "How do you respond to everyday pain?" But the questions quickly turn to ones that I am not able to answer without sarcasm, such as "What are your expectations about this birth?" Answer: "To end up with a baby and as little damage to my ladytown as possible." "What are your fears/anxieties?" I couldn't even answer that one so I just wrote "Oh so many" because people LABOR! HOLY CRAP!

I turned to the next page of questions and promptly ran crying for my mom. "During delivery, I'd like: To view the birth using a mirror, To touch my baby's head as it crowns, To risk a tear rather than have an episiotomy, and/or To have my partner catch the baby." I know birth is natural and beautiful and blah blah blah, but I don't need to see the birth in a mirror. Really, I just don't. And I don't want jparks catching the baby. I imagine it will be like catching a greased pig and I can just see my kid hitting the floor as it slides right out of jparks' hands.

One of my favorite questions is "After birth, I'd like: My partner to cut the cord, To hold my baby right away delaying procedures for up to an hour, and/or To say a prayer or read something meaningful or sing a special song" A special song! Yes, please! Jparks and I have been debating about what song might be the most inappropriate one to sing and the front runners right now are "Ice Ice Baby" "Baby Got Back" and "Fuck The Police." (nothing against the police, it's just the song would be comically inappropriate) Can you imagine, you've just delivered your first child and you bust out with Baby Got Back! There is no way that the doctor and nurses wouldn't start singing with you because that song is infectious. The whole delivery room would be a chorus of "So fellas! YEAH! Fellas! YEAH! Has your girlfriend got the butt? HELL YEAH!"

And finally the last question is not much of a question but I love it none the less. "IMPORTANT: My code word for pain relief is [Blank]" I can pick any word I want and if I shout it out the drugs will be given. ANY WORD! This is so exciting. I'm thinking Neil Patrick Harris will be my word "Bring me my Neil Patrick Harris NOW!" but I'm open to other suggestions. So bring it on, what would you yell out if you really wanted drugs and were trying to keep your sense of humor in tact while squeezing a watermelon through a tiny hole?


  1. So uhm... I answered all of those questions, and I had a pain word, 'cause you will ask for pain relief, but in the back of your pain addled brain you know that you don't really want it so you won't say the code word. I'll tell you what mine was the next time I see you. Totally not appropriate to post on the internet. heh.

  2. Your pain word should be "Ben Franklin" as in, "I'll give that Anesthesiologist $100 if he knocks my ass out right now."

    (Anyway, while I wasn't the one going through labor, I was there, and I'd just recommend not psyching yourself up too much, paying attention to which nurses seem nicest, and doing what the doctor says, since they're the trained ones. But I'm just a guy.)

    Yes, you will want drugs, because labor fucking hurts. Anyone who tells you the "endorphin high" you get from having your baby is crazy or on other kinds of drugs not generally given in a hospital. I was in labor for 19 hours and much of that without drugs because the anesthesiologist was busy in an emergency c-section (or three). Also, the epidural actually lets your body relax and the labor progresses faster because you are not fighting that intense, OMG-I'm-going-to-die pain you're in. I was terrified of labor but it actually went OK once I got my epidural.

    I also chose to have Adam up near my head holding my hand and doing the counting for me (counting when you are pushing...) and breathing reminders. I didn't want "that" image stuck in his head for the rest of our lives together.

  4. A pain relief word? seriously? It's going to hurt, but I'm sure you'll be with it enough to say "I NEED DRUGS!"

  5. I'm with Slynnro and Linda. In fact, I told my OB at my very first appointment that I wanted an epidural. I had heard you had to tell them early so that the insurance would pay for it. I offered to let her go ahead and start it at that appointment so we'd be sure it was early enough. My part of the epidural was $295 and was the best money I've ever spent.

    A mirror...nobody wants to see that shit!

    And, about the husband cutting the umbilical cord, mine just said that he thought surely there was someone more qualified for that job.

  6. Yeah, screw the code word and just start yelling at people.

  7. Oh dear God. I am so scared for you.

  8. A pain relief word? Like because saying "I'm in pain! Get me drugs!" would usually mean you were lying? My word(s) would probably be grunting followed by a low growl of "getting me the fucking drugs now, you damn halfwit" all whilst holding on to their collar as I held them three feet in the air.

    What? Superhuman strength doesn't come part of labor?

  9. given the magic of genetics, it will be likely that my eventual future offspring WILL have the butt. i think bringing sir mix-a-lot into the DR sounds like an awesome idea. there is never a bad time to celebrate ass!

  10. Oh- I'm with everyone else here. I got bullied into having a doula because an acquaintance of mine desperately wanted to be my doula. But she was completely anti- drug which didn't bode well. If its really personally important to you to not have drugs you'll power through (I guess) but I was insanely happy when my second epidural actually worked. The first one didn't and I thought I was going to die from the pain. So my code phrase, made up on the spot, was:

    I'M GOING TO DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I can't offer any comforting words about labor because it was the single most traumatic experience I've had in my life and I still have nightmares about it and also will never go through it again.

    Wait, I do have something comforting to say: some people don't experience it the way I did and some people (I hate them) have four hour labors and claim to have had totally manageable pain. So, I will keep my fingers crossed that this is going to be you!

  11. I am so glad you wrote this--pregnancy and childbirth totally freak me out, and I'm so sick of hearing people talk about how it's the most rewarding experience ever, blah blah blah, and never admitting that there's anything scary about it. I immediately forwarded your post to my pregnant sister-in-law, and I know she's going to love it.

    I do know people who have had surprisingly easy deliveries, so I hope you get lucky, too! I think when the time gets closer you'll be so glad to be done with the pregnancy part that the labor & birth won't seem as bad.