Today I should have been updating my resume since I have to mail in my unemployment paperwork saying I did indeed look for work this week and I don't want to lie, but instead I spent the day texting with my mom. And now I'm going to write a blog post about those texts instead of writing my resume. Procrastination for the win!
Also, my mom would disown me for this if I weren't knocked up with her first and possibly only grandchild. I'm fairly certain I have carte blanc to tell you whatever I want about her from here out and she can't get mad at me.
mom: "I got some more liposuction, if I feel better I might go see [insert male name here] this weekend."
me: "Are you going to look like Joan Rivers soon? You might scare your grandson."
"I haven't touched my face yet. And you're in California, he'll be scared if I don't look all sucked and pulled."
"I live in Northern California with all the hippes, not the beautiful Los Angeles people."
"Oh my god, now I have to buy stupid Birkenstocks and grow pit hair to visit."
"Bonus points if you become a lesbian and wear tie dye."