Not to harp on and on about the heat, but THE! HEAT!, woe is me. At what point do I need to stop saying we're having a heatwave and admit that summer might actually be coming to the non-seasonal Bay Area? A week of 90 degree temps? Two weeks? Dear Mother Nature, you win. You are capable of making us sweat, now can we have our 70 degree weather back?
This morning I woke up and for some reason our air conditioning was not on and I was slowly drowning in a pool of sweat. I weighted my options and realized that maybe it was time to take my kick board and placenta filled ass over to the pool. Thankfully the pool was empty except for two pale fat guys wearing speedos. It's like God sent them to the pool just to make me feel less self conscious and also a little uncomfortable. Once I got over the initial shock of such sexiness, I was able to get in the pool and swim my little heart out. And by swim I mean, cling to the kick board and kick occasionally.
I spent 30 minutes in the pool and honestly that's about 20 more minutes than I thought I would last. I'm not one that usually wants anything to do with water, but after I was out of the pool all I could think of was going back in. Even though I was in the blazing sun, my body temperature dropped for the first time in six months to a level where I didn't think I was about to burst into flames. And this is where you all tell me "well yeah, you idiot," but being in the water did wonders for relieving the pressure from my hips and back. I honestly think I could go swimming every day for the rest of this pregnancy which is such a foreign thought for me that I'm kinda freaking myself out.
The other way I'm dealing with the heat is to consume Popsicles by the box full. Did you know that Popsicle sticks now come with jokes printed on them? They are jokes that would best appeal to five year olds and unless they start using poop or fart jokes I'm going to be underwhelmed by them: "What did the hamburgers name their daughter? Patty." But tonight's Popsicle revealed a joke that I get, but I'm sure a kid could say the same thing: "What did the leaves name their son? Russel." Am I alone in thinking that might go right over a kid's head? Also, why are all the jokes about naming kids? What happened to such classics as "What's red and green and goes 175 mph? A frog in a blender." I blame Popsicles for all the teenagers having sex and getting pregnant. Obviously they are just trying to create their own little punchlines. If I were the Popsicle CEO, my first order of business would be to tuck a few condoms inside every box of Popsicles. In fact, Popsicle makers I give you permission to steal that idea because something that brilliant needs to be acted upon.