Tuesday, June 2, 2009

I remember when I lost my mind

With jparks being out of town this week (in case you're wondering he's doing okay. He hurt his knee today and now has to shave his leg so the medics can tape it up for him. I can't wait to see the one shaved leg look) I was expecting the level of crazy that I have to deal with to be at an all time low. I was wrong.

It started on Monday when I went to Whole Foods. I parked, was getting out of the car when an older man, maybe around 70, walked in front of my parked car and started yelling at me that I had almost run him over. I was a bit confused and asked if he meant while I was driving through the parking lot. He responded with a very yell-y "No, just now when I was walking in front of your car!" So yeah, I almost ran over a 70 year old with my parked car, while the keys were in my hand, the driver door was open, and I was halfway out the door. It's a talent I have. Not knowing what else to do, I apologized and headed towards the store. The whole walk across the parking lot he was yelling at me while people looked at us bewildered. I'm surprised I didn't come back to a car that had been keyed or at least covered in organic, free range eggs.

No, I'm not that lucky because what I came back to was way worse. As I exited the store I saw two people dry humping on the trunk of my car. My first thought was "damn teenagers!" but as I got closer I realized that this wasn't horny teenagers, this was horny 40 something year olds. Dry humping! On my car! I mean, come on people at least do it on your own cars, which were plenty of big enough to dry hump on or in. (Mercedes wagon, BMW 7 series. Plenty of humping room in those.) As I approached, still not quite knowing what to say, the couple noticed me and scurried back to their own cars which were parked on either side of mine. They never went in the store (neither car was there when I parked) and this leads me to believe that they were having an affair and decided to meet at their local Whole Foods for a little dry humping. Because nothing is sexier than a Whole Foods parking lot.

The final bit of crazy I've encountered this week was tonight when I went swimming at our neighborhood pool. Normally I try and go early in the morning or around 6:30 in the evening so there aren't many people there to be scared by my stomach. Tonight I got there and a woman was swimming laps, which is pretty common. She was swimming freestyle the whole time and I didn't notice anything out of the ordinary about her. Another couple showed up after 30 minutes and were sitting on the deck when lapper climbed out of the pool. Revealing that she was topless. And at least 60 years old. With droopy boobs. I nearly drowned because the shock of it was too much. The other couple was obviously shocked too, but thank god they still possessed their ability to speak, unlike me. As Droopy Boobs stood on the side of the pool drying off, the guy politely told her that this was a pool that is open to the whole neighborhood, that lots of kids come here to swim, and that it might be considerate for her to swim with some sort of top from now on. She thanked him for the advice and explained that she had just moved here and that she's used to topless swimming. Of course, she was topless while she explained all of this which was totally not awkward.

Dear crazy people of the Bay Area, I'm tired. And while I appreciate you guys going all out to keep me entertained while jparks is gone, do you think we could tone it down for the rest of the week? I don't have the energy to deal with anymore dry humping or dropping boobs. So let's reign it in and take our meds. Or at the very least, give me a few days on sanity and resume the crazy on Friday. Deal?


  1. Seriously? Dry humping at whole foods? On a Volvo?

  2. Oh man, I really hope the rest of the week is normal, that's a lotta crazy already

  3. I'm just so perplexed by the dry humping. Who does that? Was it a bet? Like "hey, I bet you can't recreate Paris Hilton and Doug Whatshisface's dry humping session in Cannes in the Whole Foods parking lot."

    And they were all "I'll take that bet!" And then you and your pregnant belly broke it up.

  4. It could have been worse.... The 70 yr old crazy guy could have been dry humping topless Droopy Boob on the trunk of your car. Always try to look on the bright side!

  5. That was quite the adventerous trip to the grocery store. Dry humping on top of someone else's car...who does that??? (Not that it would have been any better if they were dry humping in the parking lot on one of their own cars)...just ew.