Thursday, July 2, 2009

I'm ranty which I should blame on the hormones but really I'm just a bitch

Lately I've been doing a lot of reading (shout out to my kindle!) and I've got to admit that I just don't get David Sedaris. Specifically his latest book, When You Are Engulfed In Flames. And possibly even the one before that too.

Before you start telling me that I have no sense of humor or that I'm obviously an idiot let me explain that I really loved his earlier books. I can't make it through a Christmas without reading Holidays on Ice and yet his latest books have left me feeling meh. I just don't see the funny in them. Can anyone explain to me what I'm missing?

In addition to lots of reading, I've also been watching lots of tv without the use of tivo. I know, what the hell kind of third world country am I living in? Since I'm lacking the tivo I can't pause and then fast forward through commercials and it seems I've forgotten how annoying commercials can be. First they are so loud. If the show's volume is here, the commercial's volume is HERE!! And god forbid it's a commercial featuring Billy Mays because then the speakers blow out and my ears bleed. But I doubt that'll be a problem anyone more. (In tribute to Mr. Mays I'm pouring a little OxyCean into every load of laundry I do this week. Which I mostly do anyway, but now it's a touching tribute and not just an effort to eradicate stains.)

Besides the volume issues, I'm slowly being driven crazy by commercials for various technical colleges where the recent graduate proclaims "If I can do it, you can do it!" This pisses me off to no end because it does not work as a sales pitch. That's what you say when you are totally pathetic at something yet can still do it, so the speaker is admitting that she's a moron. Right? "I'm a burn out loser/total fucking idiot/have the attention span of a gnat but if I can do it, you can do it!" This does not entice me to sign up for dental assistant classes. The only thing that makes me more angry is when it's a voice over saying "If she can do it, you can do it!" Really Mr. Voice Over, you think the person is an idiot? Do they know what you think of them or do they only find out once they've gathered their family around to see their commercial debut? How embarrassing for them. I hope you end up going to their dental clinic and they get to scrape your teeth and gums with the pointy hook until you bleed.

Unrelated, I'm feeling incredibly huge today. And I think I'm getting fat in the neck. How does a neck get fat? How does one lose weight from their neck? I miss working out and running. whhhiiiinnnneeee


  1. I really hate the commercial for the interior designing school or staging or whatever the hell.

  2. I have only read one of his books - Me Talk Pretty One Day and I thought it was hilarious, but couldn't TOTALLY get why someone wouldn't think him funny.

    also? I totally got neck fat when I was pregnant. I think I need botox...

  3. Okay, I'm convinced that the trick to loving David Sedaris is not actually reading his books, but listening to him read his books. His delivery is so good and it elevates the humor. Get an audiobook or try the "This American Life" archives (they sometimes air parts of his readings).

  4. what? how can you not wet your pants when you read david sedaris? i don't get it. have you read naked? because that's his best, if you ask me. i weep with laughter.

  5. Last July, my DVR broke. I was a sad panda. I was like "how do people live with only getting up to go to the bathroom during commercials?"

    Also, thanks for dental talk. I remembered I have a dentist appointment today.