Do women have a groin muscle? If so, is it possible to pull it? Because holy mother of god, the PAIN. Also, if females can pull their possibly imaginary groin muscle, how long does it take to stop hurting? Because if I have another week of this then I might just die. No wait, there is no might, I'm 100% certain I will die. My obituary will read "Regan Parks died of a injury that no woman has ever suffered from before. She will be fondly remembered and laughed at forever because really, a groin injury?"
The other night I was trying to crawl out of bed and was instantly knocked on my ass by pain. Jparks is normally a light sleeper but somehow he slept through my very loud cursing and screaming. I'm not certain he was actually sleeping as much as ignoring me because nothing says fun like a preggo howling in the middle of the night. I am now fairly certain that if I go into labor at 2am I will be left to my own devices until a respectable hour, say 7am or so. And before he is able to fully function as my labor coach he'll need to grab an iced latte and a danish. Not that I'm bitter about this or anything, nope, not me. Don't mind me honey, I'll just be over here laboring away while you enjoy your cheese danish. Perhaps you could hand me a knife to cut the cord with when you're done?
After the pain subsided enough for me to finish dragging myself out of bed, I spend the next 30 minutes slowly walking the 10 feet to the bathroom. And then the 30 minutes after that was spent lowering myself onto the toilet. Who knew a pulled imaginary groin muscle hindered a person's ability to move so much. Since that fateful night I have had the worst time getting out of bed because that's when the pain is at its most unbearable. I imagine I look like a roach flipped over on its back, legs and arms flailing about as I try my best to make any progress at all. It's enough to make me cut out any liquids after 8pm so I don't have to perform this lovely dance more than once a night. And, in case anyone is wondering, I usually only have to pee once in the middle of the night and that's if I have to pee at all. Apparently this is strange for someone as knocked up as I am. Yay for me and my wonder bladder!