Thursday, March 18, 2010

I shouldn't have to explain this stuff

I've been spending a lot of time at the gym lately and am often freaked out by my fellow gym goers. I don't know if it's just this particular gym or if all gyms worldwide are overflowing with freaks but I'm sick of it and would like to offer the world my Official Rules For Gym And Locker Room Usage: stop being so damn weird and I won't have to punch you (tm)
  • Cutting your toenails in the locker room and leaving your trimmings on the floor is wrong. Going to find a custodian and telling them that someone else did it and asking that they clean it up is now illegal. Act like a reasonable human and clip your toe nails at home.

  • The lotion that is provided in the locker room is now off limits unless you sign a waiver saying you will not apply it while standing around stark naked.

  • Actually, let's just say that no one can just hang out in the locker room naked anymore. Everyone's allowed to be naked long enough to change clothes, but no one is allowed to blow dry their hair naked anymore. No more putting on makeup while naked. I assure you I'm not being unreasonable as the average age in the locker room is 65.

  • The benches in the locker room? No more sitting on them when you don't have on underwear.

  • When you're working out please no short shorts if you're any of the following: male, over 25 years, over 110 pounds.

  • If there are three treadmills and someone is on treadmill A, you may not get on treadmill B, you must get on treadmill C. This applies to all cardio equipment if there are more than two pieces of it.

  • Guys, if your penis is getting overly excited while you're doing crunches or bench pressing you must leave the gym. Grab a workout towel, hold it over the offending area casually, and leave. Trust me, way more people notice if you continue with your workout than if you leave.

  • If you look at me and think "I want to be her friend!" don't try to spark that friendship if I'm in the middle of my workout or changing in the locker room. These are not the times to make me your friend, they are, however, the times to make me your enemy.

  • If you're going to floss in the locker room, do it by the sinks, not by the lockers. I will knock your teeth out if I have to imagine your plaque being flung all over the lockers one more time.

  • If your gym bag, clothes, shoes, and toiletries are spread over a bench, a locker, the floor, and a counter then you have too much stuff. You're not the only person that needs to use the locker room, so make some space.

  • The dirty towels go in the bin labeled "towels" so stop leaving them on the floor for the custodians to pick up.

  • If you're a male trainer and happen to have a nice upper body, your uniform will now not include a shirt.

  • This list is not a final list by any means and as I see more offending behavior the rules will grow. These rules should be adopted by all gyms because who knows when I might visit another gym while on vacation.

    Seriously, what is wrong with people?

    Thursday, March 4, 2010

    risking life and limb for bad weather protection

    Friday night jparks and I went out for a date night. We had dinner at Xanh where I got a little tipsy and declared that I don't like people (but not you, you I like) then we saw Percy Jackson, which was awful and we spent the duration of the movie pining for New Orleans where you can order a daiquiri to help ease the pain of dumb movies, but none of that has anything to do with the rest of this story.

    When we left the house it was raining so I decided to wear my new skinny jeans that I bought for the sole purpose of tucking into my lovely wellies. In the past I've discussed my disgustingly thick calves which do not fit into regular boots, and I hate to admit it but they have not changed. So when wellies are super cute and loose on other girls, they are snug and not as cute on me, yet I wear them anyway because no one likes wet feet.

    So I was wearing my cute wellies all night and they were snug, especially since I crammed not only my calves and jeans into them but also a pair of violet welly socks. They weren't uncomfortable though, so I didn't think anything of it. Can anyone guess where this is going?

    When we got home I tried to pull the left boot off and that's when things started to go downhill fast. The boot was completely stuck and the more I tugged on it, the more it became clear that it had no intention of budging. After a few pathetic moments of tugging on my own leg, I called in jparks to get the job done. It turns out the welliess were so stuck that jparks managed to pull me off the chair I was holding onto with a death grip when he yanked on them.

    I thought the worst part would be just getting the wellies off my legs, but holy crap I was wrong. Once they were removed I realized my calves were on fire. And turning purple. It was not a good scene. I ended up not being able to sleep in pajama pants that night because having them rub around my legs was unbearable. And the only thing that made the sheets bearable was the ice packs I wrapped around my legs. Ice packs! The absurdity of the situation was not lost on me. I was crippled by my wellies! My feet stayed dry but I almost lost my legs below the knee. I probably gave myself deep vein thrombosis. It would be fitting if I died at the hands of my shoes.

    It's still really rainy here but I haven't had the balls to wear the wellies again. Perhaps I can risk it if I skip the fleece socks. But damn they're cute. And isn't cuteness worth risking limb loss for?