Thursday, March 18, 2010

I shouldn't have to explain this stuff

I've been spending a lot of time at the gym lately and am often freaked out by my fellow gym goers. I don't know if it's just this particular gym or if all gyms worldwide are overflowing with freaks but I'm sick of it and would like to offer the world my Official Rules For Gym And Locker Room Usage: stop being so damn weird and I won't have to punch you (tm)
  • Cutting your toenails in the locker room and leaving your trimmings on the floor is wrong. Going to find a custodian and telling them that someone else did it and asking that they clean it up is now illegal. Act like a reasonable human and clip your toe nails at home.

  • The lotion that is provided in the locker room is now off limits unless you sign a waiver saying you will not apply it while standing around stark naked.

  • Actually, let's just say that no one can just hang out in the locker room naked anymore. Everyone's allowed to be naked long enough to change clothes, but no one is allowed to blow dry their hair naked anymore. No more putting on makeup while naked. I assure you I'm not being unreasonable as the average age in the locker room is 65.

  • The benches in the locker room? No more sitting on them when you don't have on underwear.

  • When you're working out please no short shorts if you're any of the following: male, over 25 years, over 110 pounds.

  • If there are three treadmills and someone is on treadmill A, you may not get on treadmill B, you must get on treadmill C. This applies to all cardio equipment if there are more than two pieces of it.

  • Guys, if your penis is getting overly excited while you're doing crunches or bench pressing you must leave the gym. Grab a workout towel, hold it over the offending area casually, and leave. Trust me, way more people notice if you continue with your workout than if you leave.

  • If you look at me and think "I want to be her friend!" don't try to spark that friendship if I'm in the middle of my workout or changing in the locker room. These are not the times to make me your friend, they are, however, the times to make me your enemy.

  • If you're going to floss in the locker room, do it by the sinks, not by the lockers. I will knock your teeth out if I have to imagine your plaque being flung all over the lockers one more time.

  • If your gym bag, clothes, shoes, and toiletries are spread over a bench, a locker, the floor, and a counter then you have too much stuff. You're not the only person that needs to use the locker room, so make some space.

  • The dirty towels go in the bin labeled "towels" so stop leaving them on the floor for the custodians to pick up.

  • If you're a male trainer and happen to have a nice upper body, your uniform will now not include a shirt.

  • This list is not a final list by any means and as I see more offending behavior the rules will grow. These rules should be adopted by all gyms because who knows when I might visit another gym while on vacation.

    Seriously, what is wrong with people?


    1. I pay for a relatively expensive gym. It's nice and pretty and includes a giant pool that I will never use. The locker rooms are beautifully done, with cherrywood and brass and its very own sauna.

      And yet I will change into my gym clothes in a tiny cramped stall in the bathrooms at work before using the locker rooms at my fancy gym again. Although nobody quite fit your list, it was still terrifying in its own right and holy shit, there is not enough Lysol to make it acceptable that someone put their bare ass on the wooden bench.

      The toenail thing made me gag. I used to share an office with a woman who would clip her nails at her desk. I surprisingly did not suffer any stray clippings to the eye but I was dreading it.

    2. Last summer at the pool, a woman started a conversation with me while I was going through my locker. I turned around to respond, and she was naked.

      Another time I turned around to find somebody bending over to dig through their duffle bag on the floor. Also naked.

      I don't get it. I change as quickly as possible!

    3. funny!
      I love going to a private gym, I change at home and don't have to worry about a dirty change room.
      I agree with the cardio thing, and that can be applied to so many things, like parking spaces, espcially if the car you park next to has a carseat in it, even more so if there are 2 carseats in the car.

    4. This is one reason why I prefer to go to the gym first thing in the morning. Jump out of bed, sweat it out and then go back to my own home for a shower. I never have to go into the locker room.

      However, I have one addition to you list from when I used to work out after work:

      * If you need to put lotion _there_, you need to go see a doctor.

    5. At my gym there is a sign requesting that for the comfort of the other patrons, you use deodorant. Appropriate, but odd that they had to point that out with a sign in the main class room.

    6. Locker rooms in gyms freak me out. Too many uninhibited people! NO ONE NEEDS TO SEE ALL THAT NAKEDNESS! Where is your modesty? And when did I turn into Michelle Duggar?

    7. Wow, can you imagine what these people are like at home. Ewwwww!

    8. I totally agree with all of the above. And, no putting your yoga mat 5 inches from mine when there are several YARDS of space available for you to use.

    9. So, it's not just my gym then?!

      You described the women's locker room at my gym too a T. Everywhere you look there are women blow drying their hair naked, doing their makeup naked, applying lotion naked, having conversations naked. I never knew that so many women are such exhibitionists until I first joined a gym. Even my next door neighbor woman struck up a conversation with me while she stood there totally in the buff one time when we happened to be there at the same time.