Friday, April 2, 2010

April showers bring crap

I'm starting to suspect that April is here to kick my ass this year. I don't really understand why, I've never been mean to April, never talked bad about it. It's April! The time of spring and nice weather! It's not supposed to be a time when I walk around mad and only moments away from slugging an old lady. I should be happily stuffing my face with chocolate bunnies, which actually may explain the first situation.

I was at the gym today when a nice grandmotherly type woman approached me in the locker room and said "Passover is good for you dear. You could use less carbohydrates since those put weight on you." What in the world do you say this this? I am usually able to fire up a snarky response but this time I just stood there sort of open mouthed. Did I just get called fat by a sweet looking old lady? Yes I did. Fuck. At least you know I got on the treadmill and ran the hell out of a 5k after that.

And because gym crazies travel in pairs there was another lady just sprawled out on the floor of the locker room totally naked. People kept approaching her to ask if she needed medical help and her response was "No, I'm just relaxing." I'm willing to accept that people want to relax naked in the sauna and steam room. I'm willing to accept that people want to lotion themselves and blow dry their hair while naked. I am not willing to accept that someone will lie down on the floor naked to relax. In fact, I will not accept that someone will lie down on the floor of the locker room, in clothing, to relax. Save this kind of weird behavior for your own homes.

But the real reason I think April is here to kick my ass happened hours before either of those two events. I have a thing for large coffee cups, normal sized ones just aren't enough for me, especially first thing in the morning. So I loaded up my plenta sized cup this morning and headed to the living room where I proceeded to drop the cup with flair. I say flair because it managed to do a twist on the way down, making sure coffee went in every direction possible. Don't believe me? Check out my ceiling:
Well damn

Well fuck, I spilled coffee on my ceiling. That takes real talent. Besides the ceiling it covered two couches, two pairs of shoes, Tru's new play area, the coffeetable, an exersaucer, and most of the floor. I honestly considered torching the place because lighting a match was just so much easier than cleaning. In the end I used a crapton of bath towels to sop it up and now the house smells like coffee so at least I'll be saving money on scented candles for awhile.

So yeah, we're on day 2 of April and already I am so done. And apparently I'm too fat to comfort myself with good food, so I'll be over here in the corner sucking down carrot sticks until May.


  1. Wow, Regan. You can't make that crap up! HILARIOUS! You made my day!

  2. Oooh, man. I hope April starts to behave itself. Scott wants me to tell you to beware the ides of April. Good luck.

  3. I'm not sure what the official degree of difficulty is for that move, but for your execution of the double-plenta-ceiling-coat with a twist it sounds like you get at 10. Even from the Russian judge.

  4. Your gym really is hell on earth.

  5. April Fool's!

    The Universe

  6. You've mastered the coffee death blossom, young starfighter!

  7. wow, usually I gain wait on passover due to the constipation (yuck, but its a response to old morons), except that one year in Mississippi when i didn't have enough passover food saved and starved myself on one box of matzah, ciggarettes (still smoked then) and some cold cuts (lost 11 pounds in a week while already around 130)

    look at it this way, in NOLA people assume you're catholic in Cali they think you're Jewish :)