Wednesday, July 28, 2010

top heavy

Today I went in for a fitting for some new bras and ugh. No really, UGH.

Since long ago I've worn a pretty standard Ipex bra from Victoria's Secret. Sometimes I'll go cheap when replacing one and buy the Target version but generally my underthings drawer is packed with Ipexes. I generally have no complaints about them, they're hefty enough to keep me from poking eyes out with my nipples when it's cold, but not so thick that I feel like I'm wrapped in padding. My only real complaint is that sometimes they dig into my tender back fat but I always suspected that was more user error than bra error. User error meaning that I haven't been properly fitted for a bra in forever and just sort of eye ball my size as I shop so how can I honestly expect my bra to fit correctly.

I've recently decided that I need a strapless bra and if there is one kind of bra you don't want to blindly guess a size for, it's that kind. Too big and you could end up flashing everyone around you. Too small and you're a cleavage-y muffin top crammed into a strapless dress. Neither of these are overly appealing so I headed in for a fitting.

The fitting itself was actually way less traumatizing than I had envisioned. They do all measuring while you're dressed so no one was subjected to my pasty love handles at close range. The fitting was completed and before telling me my new size the sales girl darted off to bring me a sampling of bras. Now while the Ipex isn't the sexiest bra on the market, it's also not so matronly that even nuns would find it a bit uptight. The same can not be said for the ones that were brought to my fitting room.

The bras that were presented to me were not attractive. Why? Because I went from a 36C to a 34E. E as in egads, those are huge! E as in Eeek, I could also use this bra cup as a boat in the event of a flood! It is safe to say I'm not okay with this.

Look, here's one of the new bras I bought today with my fist in one of the cups to show you scale!
bra fist

I tried to think of other things to put in the cup to show you scale and while the dog would fit, she wouldn't sit still for me to take a picture. But let that sink in for a second, my dog could fit in one cup of my bra. I walk around with the equivalent of two chihuahuas strapped to my chest.

The poor salesgirl just didn't really know what to think of me. She kept raving about how great these bras fit me while I kept asking if they had anything at all in my size that didn't come up to my chin. Sadly the answer was no. The good news is that now I can forgo shirts as my bras cover just as much of my torso as they do! And none of my pesky back fat gathers into a shelf around the back strap. Yay!

The other thing I learned today is that for the past 20 years I have been putting on my bras incorrectly. Did you know that once your bra is on you're supposed to either reach in and pull your breast upwards into the cup or lean forward and shake your breasts at the ground while wiggling the bra? I did not! Let's add this to the list of things my mom failed to teach me. I believe there is an open spot right after "how to properly apply eye liner."

Tuesday, July 20, 2010


  • I wake up with a blog post in my head but Truman is also awake and demanding to be fed.

  • And he would like his ass wiped.

  • Tru goes down for a 20 minute nap, perhaps now I can make that blog post?

  • Or I can scoop the litter box, flip the laundry, empty and refill the dishwasher, and try to squeeze in the world's shortest shower

  • Tru wakes up from the nap and demands food and for me to wipe his ass

  • I try and run to Target and Whole Foods

  • Once there I realize I forgot to brush my teeth

  • More ass wiping

  • Home in time to feed Truman and jparks

  • Tru gets a bath, bottle, more damn ass wiping, and bed

  • Sit down to maybe finally make the post only to have the computer confiscated by jparks for online gaming

  • Drag out the laptop, take it to the bedroom

  • Jparks comes in and wants my attention. "Poke, poke, what are you doing, can I be involved, don't you just looooove blogger?"

  • Not being able to concentrate on anything, I abandon the laptop to pay jparks attention and maybe try to clear off the counter.

  • Annoyed and frustrated, I go to bed thinking of that blog post that I never got to write.

  • I wake up with a blog post in my head but Truman is also awake and demanding to be fed.

  • You should all know that the more cycles I go through before posting, the crankier I get about it. It makes for good times here at the Parks' household.

    Wednesday, July 7, 2010

    on hackers and fauxfas

    Did you hear the one about the hackers? A bunch of spammy hackers took down a bunch of wordpress sites and now innocent bloggers are being forced to use crappy blogging platforms. I have no punchline, just that sad tale. Jparks migrated me over to blogger and dear god, the suck is strong with it. He told me he was doing it on the morning of our anniversary and I instantly declared it the worst anniversary gift ever and tried to talk him out of it by mentioning how migrating to blogger negates anniversary sex. Apparently that was a risk he was willing to take and I'm trying not to take it as a critique on my bedroom prowess.

    The short of it is that now that I reside here all previous feeds and links you've had to me won't work. There's good and bad to this situation. On one hand it's like I'm a new blog! Yay, no pressure to maintain any level of quality writing because no one is reading! On the other hand, who will validate my existence with comments? Why doesn't anyone like me? So please don't make me have any flashbacks of sixth grade when I was the social outcast, update your feeds and links soon.

    And since I know you're all assuming that surely, after a month in our new apartment we must be unpacked and settled in, let me offer you this picture of our living room:

    living room

    What's up with the wall of chairs? Well, we couldn't decide if our dream sofa was going to fit so jparks made a paper sofa using the dream sofa's measurements. Then he decided that he needed to see the sofa in 3d so we gathered all the chairs that weren't in use and created a fauxfa. This is what happens when you don't hire interior decorators. The real sofa should be in here in 10 days, thank god. Also, our new media unit (when did we stop calling them entertainment centers?) is arriving tomorrow and after that we just have to buy a rug, coffeetable, and chair. Oh, is that all? That should only take us another six months or so.