*Not a training plan at all, not even in the slightest. Please be not as dumb as me.
- Have friends mention the race and then stupidly sign up before you really think about what training means
- Sign up for a training plan. Follow week #1 of it.
- Have your youngest child stop sleeping through the night. Realize that holy shitballs, it's hard to get up for a run at 5am when you just managed to get the child back to bed at 4am.
- Continue to receive training plan emails, laugh at the distances you're supposed to be running.
- Go to the gym, run 20 minutes on the treadmill, feel like you're going to suffer a heart attack.
- Sign up for a Turkey Trot thinking a race sooner will motivate you to get out of bed at 5.
- It won't
- Run the 5 mile Turkey Trot, think "5 miles wasn't so bad," rework your training plan. You have less time but it's still doable!
- Sleep in every morning. Go for runs but never ones that are more than 3.1 miles.
- Go to Disney World the week before the half marathon. Abandon your diet and stop doing all exercise. Give your mind a workout by coming up with excuses to tell your running partner to get out of the race.
- Acknowledge that there is no getting out of the race, pick up your packet
- The night before do some carb loading:
- Also sleep on the couch the night before to ensure you get a crappy night's sleep
- Wake up at 5am on race day, feel like you're going to puke
- Drag yourself to the start line, don't look your running partner in the eye for fear she'll know you didn't train and your plan involves dying around mile 6.
- Run. Don't die. Walk a couple of the biggest hills (which are all in the final 3 miles, what the hell?)
- Cross finish line in 2 hours 40 minutes. Be amazed that your stubbornness just carried you 13.1 miles.
I paid money to run before the sun was even up. Sometimes while I'm doing these races, I look around and realize how stupid us runners are but then I get excited that I've found my people.