Wednesday, March 14, 2012

what if it laid eggs?

I don't know if you read Hyberbole and a Half (you should) but she did a post one time about spiders and was absolutely, 100% accurate when she said "Spiders are like little pieces of death wrapped in scary." Spiders are the one thing that make me shit my pants and have heart palpitations no matter the situation. I could be receiving a Nobel prize for curing cancer and if a tiny spider crawled out on stage I would drop a load right there. And cry. And then have no idea how to gracefully walk off stage. So yeah, spiders are scary.

Now that you know this little nugget of information about me, I want you to imagine me driving my car when a spider, a large green spider, drops down from the windshield into my line of vision. It is amazing that I am alive right now because no joke, my first thought was this:

Luckily I managed to pull into the parking lot of Truman's My Gym  and do a bunch of spastic moves to get the spider out of the car before I went in to grab him. One of those moves included thinking the spider was on me and pitching my wallet, keys, and phone across the parking lot.  After a few panicked moments I was satisfied I had removed the beast even though (foreshadowing) I never actually saw it crawl onto the paper I was enticing it with so I went inside to get Truman.

Once we made it back to the car, a smarter woman would have performed a spider check, but I just got in and headed home. Two minutes later the fucking spider dropped down on me again and I had to drive the whole way home with my stomach in my throat and a hand plastered across my mouth so I wouldn't scream and scare my child. I was terrified and the whole time jparks was mocking me as I sent him terrified instant messages. Check it, I couldn't even type coherent words because I was so upset:

Once home jparks did remove the spider and I drove his car for the rest of the afternoon because I couldn't be in mine without feeling spiders crawling on me. Last night I asked him "So, how do you feel about car shopping this weekend?" and he laughed. Thing is I'm not kidding, my Jetta is dead to me now. Fucking spider ruined it. 

Monday, March 12, 2012

bouncing forward

Jparks and I are party people. Not "swinging, key party" people, but "let's invite a bunch of people over and have their kids entertain our kids" party people. This combined with how much DST can screw with Truman's bedtime gave me the genius idea to throw a party, complete with bounce house, on the day the clocks sprung forward. 

It didn't look promising in the days leading up to the party because all the rain this city has missed for the past year rolled in in giant black waves of lightning and thunder. The bounce house place threatened to cancel and I made a mad dash to Target to buy coloring books and playdoh for the kids. But at the last minute, seriously like an couple of hours before people were set to arrive, the sky turned blue, the temperature quickly rose from 45 to 85, and the bounce house was delivered. We ended up with a packed house and the plan to exhaust the kids so they would pass out at their normal bedtime totally worked. I'm pretty sure we'll be throwing a DST party every year and that it's such a smart idea MENSA will be here begging me to join any minute now. 

I was pretty busy during the party with talking and eating all the things setting out food so I managed to not take a single picture but please enjoy these post party pictures.

It wasn't a birthday party, but that doesn't mean cake wasn't present.

People made a big dent in the drinks but we still have enough leftover for another party. Who's free this weekend? Party planning tip: I thought those little cans of soda would be good because I hate 2 liters and no one wants a whole can of coke, they just want a few sips between beers. Turns out those little cans get lost in an ice chest and were not consumed. At least I assume that's the case, but my friends could all just be lushes that stuck to beer and liquor.

Speaking of drinks, we put a hurting on the vodka (this is the second bottle) thanks to this fancy machine

Check me out getting all crafty and shit, I used jelly beans in my candle holders as a festive spring touch.

I got flowers as a hostess gift! I love flowers! 

Our whole house is covered in grass bits and my vacuum is a piece of crap. I want a stick one but not that damn $300 Dyson one. Who has a rec for me?

The bounce house was deflated after everyone left but the company didn't pick it up until late Monday afternoon. Truman managed to have the best first day of Spring Break ever by having a private bounce party this morning. Next year we'll be hosting a very exclusive next day, post party bounce. Bloody Marys and mimosas for parents, more bouncing for the kids. Awesome. 
party over