Wednesday, March 14, 2012

what if it laid eggs?

I don't know if you read Hyberbole and a Half (you should) but she did a post one time about spiders and was absolutely, 100% accurate when she said "Spiders are like little pieces of death wrapped in scary." Spiders are the one thing that make me shit my pants and have heart palpitations no matter the situation. I could be receiving a Nobel prize for curing cancer and if a tiny spider crawled out on stage I would drop a load right there. And cry. And then have no idea how to gracefully walk off stage. So yeah, spiders are scary.

Now that you know this little nugget of information about me, I want you to imagine me driving my car when a spider, a large green spider, drops down from the windshield into my line of vision. It is amazing that I am alive right now because no joke, my first thought was this:

Luckily I managed to pull into the parking lot of Truman's My Gym  and do a bunch of spastic moves to get the spider out of the car before I went in to grab him. One of those moves included thinking the spider was on me and pitching my wallet, keys, and phone across the parking lot.  After a few panicked moments I was satisfied I had removed the beast even though (foreshadowing) I never actually saw it crawl onto the paper I was enticing it with so I went inside to get Truman.

Once we made it back to the car, a smarter woman would have performed a spider check, but I just got in and headed home. Two minutes later the fucking spider dropped down on me again and I had to drive the whole way home with my stomach in my throat and a hand plastered across my mouth so I wouldn't scream and scare my child. I was terrified and the whole time jparks was mocking me as I sent him terrified instant messages. Check it, I couldn't even type coherent words because I was so upset:

Once home jparks did remove the spider and I drove his car for the rest of the afternoon because I couldn't be in mine without feeling spiders crawling on me. Last night I asked him "So, how do you feel about car shopping this weekend?" and he laughed. Thing is I'm not kidding, my Jetta is dead to me now. Fucking spider ruined it. 


  1. You and Stacey need to start an arachnophobia club. Did I ever tell you about the time she smashed a large wolf spider in the living room only to discovere that I wasn't lying when I said the babies would start running everywhere?

  2. Dude!! I was in my car one night and right along the pillar by the windshield, this spider peeked out JUST enough for me to see it in profile. And then, ever so slowly, it tucked itself back out of view. LIKE SOMETHING OUT OF A HORROR MOVIE.

    I made it home safely (somehow) and my husband couldn't find it and I freaked out every time I got in my car for the next week. WTF.

    Spiders and I, we have a history and shit like that doesn't help.


  3. One time a huge banana spider built his web in between the two trees in our front yard . The trees in the front yard that I would cut through to get to my truck . I almost walked THROUGH it ! I stopped just feet from having a HUGE EFFING SPIDER on me. I tried to convince my parents that they needed to sell the house they wouldn't go for it. I thought I lived in sububurbia not the jungles