I don't know if you read Hyberbole and a Half (you should) but she did a post one time about spiders and was absolutely, 100% accurate when she said "Spiders are like little pieces of death wrapped in scary." Spiders are the one thing that make me shit my pants and have heart palpitations no matter the situation. I could be receiving a Nobel prize for curing cancer and if a tiny spider crawled out on stage I would drop a load right there. And cry. And then have no idea how to gracefully walk off stage. So yeah, spiders are scary.
Now that you know this little nugget of information about me, I want you to imagine me driving my car when a spider, a large green spider, drops down from the windshield into my line of vision. It is amazing that I am alive right now because no joke, my first thought was this:
Luckily I managed to pull into the parking lot of Truman's My Gym and do a bunch of spastic moves to get the spider out of the car before I went in to grab him. One of those moves included thinking the spider was on me and pitching my wallet, keys, and phone across the parking lot. After a few panicked moments I was satisfied I had removed the beast even though (foreshadowing) I never actually saw it crawl onto the paper I was enticing it with so I went inside to get Truman.
Once we made it back to the car, a smarter woman would have performed a spider check, but I just got in and headed home. Two minutes later the fucking spider dropped down on me again and I had to drive the whole way home with my stomach in my throat and a hand plastered across my mouth so I wouldn't scream and scare my child. I was terrified and the whole time jparks was mocking me as I sent him terrified instant messages. Check it, I couldn't even type coherent words because I was so upset:
Once home jparks did remove the spider and I drove his car for the rest of the afternoon because I couldn't be in mine without feeling spiders crawling on me. Last night I asked him "So, how do you feel about car shopping this weekend?" and he laughed. Thing is I'm not kidding, my Jetta is dead to me now. Fucking spider ruined it.