Monday, January 7, 2013

the short version is: I'm doing a lot of blending

I'm on day 5 of Whole30 so obviously I'm an expert and ready to dole out wisdom about the program on my blog. So let's do this!

First up, milking an almond is one of the most miserable things I've ever done. During Whole30 you avoid dairy and the only pre-made milk allowed is canned coconut milk. Have you ever put canned coconut milk into iced coffee? Oh lord, it is not good. First the coconut milk comes out all separated and gross. Then you dump it into your drink and it just looks bad, like something is sour. I tried to power through but couldn't. So homemade almond milk it is!

I used this recipe and the final product was delicious (as delicious as almond milk can be. It took me a few days to get used to it when I made the switch to it last year.) but the process was tedious. It seems easy enough: soak the almonds! blend everything! strain! But in reality the strain portion of the process nearly broke me. I first ran it through a strainer and then through a nut milk bag. (that will never not sound dirty) I also spilled it all over my kitchen counter, the floor, spilled quite a bit down the sink, and watered some down with my tears. Before I even tasted it I decided that no matter how amazing homemade almond milk is, when Whole30 is done I'm doing back to the cartoned kind. 

I ended up making about 5 quarts of almond milk from four cups of almonds (presoaked cups, they expanded during the soaking process) and froze four of the quarts. A few things about freezing your end product: once frozen, it's going to look really unappealing and while defrosting, even more unappealing. It's okay! Stop being concerned with looks! Be sure to leave a lot of room in your container. More room then you think you need. You've worked hard for your almond milk, don't let this happen to you:


I nearly cut someone with that piece of broken glass because I was so filled with rage. 

That's enough words about almond milk, now let's get crazy and talk about mayo! I've never made mayo before because it seems like it should be a hard process. Like almond milk hard, but instead it is so easy! Mayo, you are a deceptive bastard! 

The truth is I'm not a mayo fan. It has a weird slimy texture and jiggles. I don't like it on sandwiches but will eat it in egg and chicken salads. It's also amazing when turned into this spinach and artichoke dip but that's not important right now. But the thing about homemade mayo is that it doesn't have a weird slimy texture. It doesn't really jiggle the same way jarred mayo does. It is delicious. 

I used this recipe to make the mayo and suggest you do it too. I didn't know mayo could be so good! I'm not eating it off a spoon or anything, but the egg salad I made was so amazing that I didn't even mind the lack of bread in my lunch. I texted Kristin that the mouth feel was perfect and then I had to shove playing cards under my fingernails for talking about mouth feel. 

There you have it, way too many words about almond milk and mayo. If this doesn't want make you want to try a Whole30, then I don't know what to tell you. I'm living in an exciting world of almond milking and mayo making. Come join me?


  1. I am very glad that you are doing this too, because my friends are SO TIRED of me talking about this when we go out.

  2. ha! i read through the site and thought about doing it, but now that i've read way. but good luck!

  3. Regan, you are A CHAMP for making almond milk. Almond milk and bacon are two things that, during the Whole 30, I just do without because the pain of giving them up just seems so much easier to deal with than the labor (or $$$ in the case of the "approved" bacon) to actually have them. This is inspiring. And now I'm kind of curious. Is it tasty? Is it similar to the carton? Do tell.

    Also: completely agree on the mayo. So good. And regular mayo skeeves the shit out of me, so I can't believe I actually think it, let alone am saying it.

  4. You are badass. I just gave up coffee because coconut milk might as well be fresh nut milk (you know the kind I'm talking about) in my coffee. Hork. I figured that if I could give up booze, I could give up coffee for 30 days. The jury is still out on the booze.

    I made the mayo and I think it's too olive oil-y. I used grape seed and EVOO. I need to pick up the light tasting stuff. In the meantime, I'm mixing avocado into everything.

    This stupid diet better work. I dropped weight like a champ on Adkins and I'm hoping to see similar results. No matter that my body is 10 years older and pissier.

  5. You can't have the coconut milk in a container, like the stuff that Jillian Micheals hocks? It's the same shit as in a can, just watered down. Also , huzzah nut milk and mayo. You know you're joining the ranks of crazy hippy like me, next you'll be talking about how you made kale chips (I need to do that this week) and how you're fermenting veggies. When you're ready to ferment water, give me a call, I'll hook you up!

  6. little advise on the canned coconut milk. Shake the can vigorously before opening.

  7. I gotta know - how do you do this while cooking for and feeding a family? I get way too whiny and jealous of everyone else at the table when I try to do things like this.