…because I can’t afford gas

Man, we are all totally screwed. You best go put your name on a Prius waiting list right now.

So the other day I was cleaning the house before the cleaning crew came and I realized that I have a lot of shoes. Like A LOT. I know, it was a total shock to me too.

This is what my guest bedroom wall looks like:

The rest of this room has been in such disarray that I never realized that something useful could be in that spot, like a bookshelf or a mini fridge so I don’t have to walk all the way downstairs for a cold beverage. But now that room is clean and actually room-like and I’m fairly certain I want my mini fridge there. Oh, or a reach in freezer for ice cream!

The first step to having ice cream is to get rid of some shoes. And, believe it or not, that picture was taken after a fairly large shoe purge, so obviously one purge wasn’t enough. My next step is to stop buying shoes. Heh, seeing both of those steps written makes me realize just how much I have to change for that freezer. Man, ice cream in bed better be worth it.

As far as getting rid of what I have, I think I need to come up with a system to track the shoes I’m wearing. I mean, that’s a lot of shoes and I know I don’t wear all of them, but some of the lesser worn ones are cute. And how can you get rid of cute shoes? You can’t. Unless you can have ice cream in bed after getting rid of the cute shoes.

I want to whittle that tower down enough that my shoes fit in a closet. Actually let me qualify that a bit: I want them to fit in a closet with room for other things like clothes and vacuums. Can you imagine?!? It’s blowing my mind. Are you doubting I can do that? I bet you aren’t the only one. But I’ll prove you guys wrong, you have no idea how much I want ice cream in bed.

Internet sucks. MacBook keeps dropping the connection. Keep typing blog posts and then losing them. Am debating throwing the computer out the window or cramming the router down the toilet. Either would make me feel better. Both would end up being expensive stress relievers. Dammit.

Until I can be online and feel less irrational anger, enjoy this picture of my brilliance.

I bought more meat than could fit into my crock pot. I guess I didn’t realize the stupid thing isn’t the size of my bathtub. This was the only way to keep the lid tight so the meat would cook and not poison all of my guests. My other option was to cook the pot roast in two batches but, seeing as how there are only so many hours in a day, the over turned water jug method was employed. Desperation is the mother of all invention. Or something like that.

I am so smart. S-M-R-T.

Serious Eats (a fun food blog. Go check it out, I’ll wait. Hi, welcome back) has a running set of posts called Paula Deen Is Trying To Kill Us. Today they featured The Lady’s Brunch Burger. I shit you not, when I saw this burger I freaked out. I started checking my list of online friends, desperate to share the link to the recipe because I felt God whispering in my ear “Spread the word about this burger.” And who am I not to follow God’s orders?

So what would have to go on a burger to make it so majestic that I’m dedicating a whole post to it? Two words: doughnut burger. Topped with a fried egg. And bacon. Have you fainted from the joy of knowing that such a burger exists on this earth?

Now let me state that this is not a burger I would want to eat on a regular basis. And that I would be fine leaving off the fried egg. But it is something that I really really want to try at least once. And it is something that jparks can live his whole life without eating. I know what you’re thinking and the answer is yes, he is really a man and not a little girl.

His reaction to The Lady’s Brunch Burger was one of total disgust. “You would eat that!?!” might have been uttered a couple of times when I confessed to salivating over it. His final judgment on the burger was “That’s a white trash burger!” To which I say “Sign me up for a double wide trailer because I’m going to eat that burger someday!”

After much arguing back and forth I finally told him “I’m putting it to the blog council!” So what say you, blog council, is the doughnut burger disgusting or tasty looking? If I were going to host a Doughnut Burger Party, would you want to come? Are you on Team Doughnut or Team Girly Man?

And for the record, my ideal white trash burger would be doughnut, meat, cheese, bacon, doughnut in that order.

All sorts of people have been doing the latest blog craze, a love list. And while there are many things out there that I love (I’d like to give a shout out to Reese Peanut Butter Eggs!) my head hurts today so I’m going to take this in another direction and create a hate list. Just call me Henry Rollins. (He’s still angry, right?)

This list could keep going on and on but I’m starting to look like a really angry, mean person and I swear I’m not. Unless you’re jparks and have to deal with me first thing in the morning before coffee. At that time all bets are off and the she-beast in me comes out. In fact, I bet if jparks made a hate list, dealing with me in the mornings would be right at the top of it. Ah, good times.

I’ve recently started seeing a therapist (being married to jparks will do that to you) and we are currently working on my need to cry over every little thing. I’m feeling sad, must means it’s time to cry. Anger? Cry. Tired? Cry. Frustrated? Cry. Excited? Cry. Full after a big meal? Cry.

As you can imagine this crying can be quite the annoyance but it’s not something I feel like I have much control over. To celebrate the end of this reign of tears, I would like to share some of the more bizarre things I’ve cried over or at.

But no matter how many times I cry or what I cry over, jparks wins for crying at the end of Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. hehehe, loser.

Today I was feeling like sushi for lunch. I was also feeling short on time so I decided to run into Whole Foods and grab one of their premade sushi to go containers. But once inside the store, I was seduced by the siren call of pizza. Pizzzzzaaaaa Can’t you hear it? Pizzzzzaaaaa It wasn’t until I was back in the car that I realized “Dang! Pizza ain’t sushi!” Oh well, better luck next time.

Yesterday I saw a license plate that said “SPK W ME” I think the guy that owns that car wants us to all spank with him. As in a big group masturbation-a-thon. I know, gross right?

Tonight jparks and I are supposed to go see College Road Trip. Because Disney owns us. And by booking the trip to Ireland we entered into a contractual agreement to see every Disney movie that comes out for the next five years. Also, jparks and I both think it looks funny. See, we aren’t 90 years old, we’re 12.

Today I noticed that one of our neighbors just put their Christmas tree out for garbage pick up. Why have I not met these neighbors yet?!? People that keep their Christmas tree up until MARCH are my kind of people.

Also, today I registered to register for the Nike Women’s Marathon. Because I am dumb. And hate myself. Part of me really hopes I get picked to register. And part of me really likes watching tv on the couch while eating peanut butter and honey on crackers. I guess destiny will l decide what road I’m running down. (Get it, running down? I am so funny)

Last week jparks and I booked a trip to Ireland for September. We booked with a tour group because we are 90 years old. No, really we booked with a tour group because I hate vacation planning and jparks is too busy with work to properly research an international trip. And the tour group we booked with is um, well, god we are dorks, the trip is booked through Adventures by Disney. Like I said, we don’t want to plan a vacation so tour group it was. And tour groups can be hit or miss but Disney’s Disney, they’ve got to keep up their reputation, so their trip has to be good. Right? RIGHT? And the dates that we picked are adults only, so hopefully it’ll be full of other couples around our age and not groups of grandparents. And look at all the places we’ll get to go. Yay for vacation!

If you guys don’t stop laughing at us for booking through Disney I’ll go make new friends. New friends with Christmas trees still up.