One night I walked into my mom’s bedroom and woke her up to show her three sores that had just popped up on my stomach. She took one look and said “Those are chicken pox. Go to bed because tomorrow you’re going to be miserable.” Sure enough the next day I woke up and the sores had spread to the rest of my stomach and chest. Later that day I was almost completely covered. I was 18 at the time and this was 2 days before my high school graduation. Good times!

Today I called my dermatologist that I saw on Monday to let him know that the medicine he had given me was not working and that the pain was becoming unbearable. He asked if I had ever had chicken pox and I said yes. He said “Well, I think it’s safe to say that you have shingles.” Motherfucking shingles! The doc said he thought it looked like shingles on Monday, but since he had never seen it on someone so young before he thought for sure he was wrong. In case you’re not familiar with shingles it is most common in folks over the age of 55.

The moral of these two incidents? I apparently get diseases at ages when most people are not prone to them. I am a freak of nature and you all shouldn’t be surprised when next week I start to complain about how my knees ache when it’s about to rain and I mention that I might want to move to Miami and live in a retirement community.

And the real kicker is that the nurse from my doctor’s office called me to say that the doctor wants me to stop shaving for a month now because that’s how long it could take for this to clear up. And when I asked why they thought I had gotten this, she suggested that possibly all of the running caused my immune system to weaken and caused the virus to flair up. Oh, and I should stay away from deodorants with chemicals in them because it could BURN MY SKIN. I hope for the sake of jparks and others that have to smell me that Tom’s Hippie deodorant works.

So, to review, I have an old person’s disease, have hairy pits that are getting more hairy by the moment, and will be one smelly girl for the next month. If you were thinking I might be cool to hang out with at BlogHer you might want to give that a second thought. I’ll just ease the pain of losing the chance to meet people and the pain of my shingles with the Tylenol 3 the doctor prescribed me (yum, codeine!).

Last night I ran my five miles, drank a ton of gatorade, and ate dinner. Then I spent the rest of my night puking. Seriously, WTF people? Didn’t I spend a night puking just the other day?

The good news was that I had a pre-existing doctor’s appointment this morning. The bad news is that the doctor felt that my puking was the result of bad food from last night. After telling him that I only had salad he suggested that I had probably eaten bug eggs. B.U.G.E.G.G.S. I ate them. They were in my belly. Kill me now.

Why am I the one that always get sick? Why doesn’t jparks ever wake up at 3am to empty the contents of his stomach into the toilet? Why doesn’t he ever eat bug eggs? Life is not fair.

I have food poisoning. This means that when jparks comes home from work I’m going to have him take me out back and put me down, because I do not want to continue on for another second feeling like this. I’m a pretty seasoned puker, but this is unlike anything I have experienced before. My stomach feels like it’s tied in knots and even water won’t stay put. I think my body has rid itself of anything that was lingering in my intestinal tract from the past ten years. Crap came out that I don’t remember ever eating. Delightful, isn’t?

Since I haven’t moved from my bed all day, except to go to the bathroom, I’ve been entertaining myself with a Top Chef marathon and google searching “food poisoning”. Perhaps looking that up was not the best idea since I’ve now learned that a common type of food poisoning comes from contamination with feces. Poop! I might have eaten poop! Oh my god, kill me now. In all fairness it could have been caused by some bad meat but my coworker, who had lunch with me yesterday and is also sick today, had beef while I had pork. I’m thinking all signs point to poop!

And to make you all feel extra sorry for me here’s a picture:

All together now, “awwww”

I am feeling a bit under the weather today. Actually I’m feeling worse than under the weather, I’m feeling like I was plowed over by a steamroller that the weather was driving. I even called the doctor to make an appointment but, of course, no appointments were to be had. He phoned in a z pack for me but have yet to take the first pills. If I take the pills then I can’t drink at the office party tomorrow night but if I don’t take the pills then I might not feel well enough to go to the office party. It’s like Sophie’s Choice. How can I make this decision? It is IMPOSSIBLE.

And since I’m feeling pretty tired and not quite right, I’ll leave you with a list: