Some days I pull up the admin screen to write a blog post and the words won’t come to me. It’s not that I don’t have things to say, because blabbing away is my special gift handed down from God upon my birth. It’s more that the words won’t come to me in any kind of entertaining way and the last thing I want to do is bore everyone with lackluster tales of my weekend.

So instead of that, I’m giving you a couple of random things.

First a picture of me bouncing on the trampoline. Check out my shirt, it has humping unicorns on it.

And second, a random thought I’ve been pondering:
Why are yellow shoes so popular this season?

As anyone who will stand still and listen to me whine knows, I’ve been feeling stuck in a fashion rut. The casual office atmosphere of California blind-sided me and I adapted to it much too quickly, with arms way too open. I went from wearing dresses and heels daily to living in jeans, tee shirts, and comfy shoes. And while I don’t think there’s anything wrong with any of those items, I was starting to feel boring. And old.

Desperately wanting help, I turned to a very nice person with a very helpful fashion focused blog. And boy, help is what she gave. She wrote a long post packed with tons of tips to cure me of my fashion ailments. It was such a helpful piece that jparks even read it, and today said “You’re wearing an accessory, just like the post said to do!” (nevermind that I was wearing a necklace that I wear all the time. I was just impressed he read a fashion article)

I’ve taken Susan’s advice to heart and am planning on stocking up on chinos, strappy sandals, and a jean jacket as soon as I can get to a mall. Or wrestle the credit card out of jparks’ wallet. Until then, I’m shopping my own closet and hoping for the best.

And because she asked so nicely, here’s a picture of today’s outfit. I dug out some jeans from the Gap (I noticed after leaving the house that they are just a bit too long, even with heels), a silk shirt from Banana Republic, and some heels I had forgotten about. It was a simple outfit, but somehow felt better than my normal work uniform.

Now if I could only find the time to flat iron my hair and throw on some makeup I’d be unstoppable.

Today I put on my underwear correctly, not inside out. While putting on my underwear inside out is not a normal problem, with the particular pair I’m wearing today, it is. They are stripy on the inside and the out and in the mornings, pre-coffee, I’m not much interested in examining my underwear to see if I’m putting them on properly. I’m much more concerned with not falling over when I lift one leg to put on the underwear. That, in itself, is quite the challenge.

Yet somehow this morning I managed to put on my double sided, stripy underwear correctly. I honestly think this is the first time I’ve accomplished this since I purchased the pair almost a year ago. I’m pretty darn proud of myself for finally putting them on correctly, although it’s not the kind of thing you can boast to your coworkers about. The internet, yes. Coworkers, no.

And while we’re on the subject can we eliminate the word ‘panties’ from our collected vocabulary. Too harsh? Okay, lets eliminate it from everyone over age 6’s vocabulary. It’s just too froufrou of a word for an adult to use. And it’s also not a sexy word, and I would really like it if Victoria’s Secret would stop telling me about their panty deals. I wear underwear, not panties and I also call a penis a penis, not a ding-dong or winkle.

Come on people, be adults with me.

I’ve got another couple of trampoline lessons coming up (assuming I don’t knock myself out in the first 5 minutes of class) and I’m a bit concerned about my lovely lady humps.

As I previously mentioned, I am not ready for a juggy audition and need to find a way to strap them down for fear that they’ll bounce into harm’s way. The sports bras I have aren’t doing the trick and, if I’m remembering correctly, they are max support ones.

So I’m turning to you dear friends for support (har har, get it?) and help. What do you suggest I use to keep the humps in check? Is there a miracle brand of sports bra I don’t know about? Is there a trick that’s well known to everyone but me? I’ve got to figure something out or else my trampoline career might be ending soon.

Recently the blogging world (note it’s not the blog-o-sphere as that phrase sends jparks’ into a long winded rant about how he hates the phrase and all that it stands for) has been taken over by the Five Things post that everyone seems to be doing.

What is the Five Things post? It’s a meme (don’t ask me, I still haven’t figured out what meme stands for) where you reveal Five Things no one knows about you on your blog. Miranda tagged me and I am going to accept the challenge of doing this, but I’m not sure what people know about me and what people don’t know. So if I’m just stating old news, then oops, my bad.

1. I always wanted to get married, but when I was planning my first wedding (I was engaged before jparks, I know some of you know that, but some may not) I could not picture the actual wedding part of it, the part where my fiancé and I stood up in front of people and said “I do”. I encountered the same thing when jparks and I started wedding planning, so I knew it wasn’t a cold feet issue. I just couldn’t imagine standing in front of a bunch of people and exchanging vows, it seemed too private to share. I could, however, picture us (us being jparks and I) eloping, so that’s what we did. It worked out well for us.

2. Some other things I’ve never been able to picture happening to me include walking across the stage for high school graduation (I came down with chicken pox two days before the ceremony and had to miss it) and graduating from college (that’s looking like a long shot right now). I seem to have a solid grasp on what I will do and what I will never do.

3. Most times I cannot picture myself as a parent. I hope I’m wrong about that one.

4. I think I dress like a stay at home mom that never ventures out of the house to that foreign place called a mall. This is sad really, since I love clothes and even have a subscription to a magazine dedicated to shopping.

5. I see nothing in ink blot tests. Nothing. I’m pretty sure this means I lack an imagination, which might also explain why I have trouble imagining myself in various life situations.

I’m only going to tag jparks to do this mainly because I want to know what secrets he might produce.

Tomorrow is jparks’ company’s Holiday Party and I reluctantly bought a new dress for it. Why reluctantly? Because I had a dress that I’ve only worn twice, that would have been fine, but jparks decided he has seen me in it too much and I should get a new dress. And his preference was one that was not strapless and a-line, which is the basic design of every dress I own. (when you find a fit that works you tend to stick with it).

One day, while wandering around various stores, I found this dress:

It was cute, but not something I would normally buy, which I knew would make jparks happy. Empire waisted with cream trim on the arms, all cut from velvet, I knew I was going out on a limb when I brought the dress to the register but, dammit, I was determined to try something new!

I waited until I was home, in the privacy of my own apartment, to try it on. It turns out the dress fits, kinda. It fits in a way that makes me look knocked up. Or like I’m wearing a tent. And a whole troop of kids could camp out under me and have plenty of room to play campfire games and tell ghost stories. So basically, it does the exact opposite of what my tried and true strapless a-line cut dresses do, it makes me look pretty big.

So here’s the dilemma, do I wear the dress and make jparks happy (he has seen me in it and hasn’t commented one way or another about it) or do I dig through my closet and find an alternative?

At this point, since the party is tomorrow, I think I’m just going to wear it. It’s got a little girl look about it, so I’m going tonight to hunt for some tights and patent leather, high heel mary janes to wear with it. And to complete the look I’m going have Lauren make me a little sign to wear that says “this dress is supposed to make me look pregnant”

Or maybe I’ll tell everyone at the party that I am pregnant, and could they swing by the bar and grab me another martini, please?

How are you saving me from divorce? By buying this for me:

I neeeed it. I waaaaant it. I am utterly and hopelessly in lurve with it. And if I buy it jparks is sure to divorce me immediately.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not overly expensive (it’s a little expensive, but not overly), and jparks won’t understand or see my need for it. He’ll say “You have enough cardigans and sweaters, you don’t neeeed that one too.”

But he’ll be so wrong. And every night I spend without it in my closet I’ll cry a single, sad tear.

So come on, click here and buy me this sweater in a size medium. Because you don’t want to see me get divorced over something so trivial, do you?

The other day jparks mentioned that maybe I should go through my closet and get rid of some of the things I don’t wear. My face must have fallen into a look of pure horror because he immediately assured me that he knows I have things in there that he never sees me wearing.

Normally when it’s time to purge the closet, I just pile everything together and bring it to Goodwill, but recently some friends were discussing selling clothes on ebay and thought I might give that a try. So last night I laid some shirts on the kitchen floor and took pictures of each one. I then did the same thing for some pants and skirts. It turns out photographing clothing on your kitchen floor is harder than I thought. Most of the pictures had my shadow in them, or Tangi appeared in the corner. I’ll just have to make it clear in the item description that the cat is not included. Or can be included for the right price.

After getting the pictures to come out halfway decent I realized I had another hurdle to overcome: pricing. Most of the things I’m selling are nice, normally expensive things. Shirts from Eddie Bauer, American Eagle, pants from Ann Taylor Loft and skirts from the Gap. I don’t want to overcharge, but at the same time I don’t want to sell stuff for $1.00. The one shirt I have listed (which I shouldn’t have done, because the auction ends while I’m in NOLA, making it impossible for me to ship the item out quickly. ooops) has a starting bid of $3.00. I don’t think that’s too high, but no one has bid on it yet, so maybe it should be lower. Or maybe I just did such a lame job describing the shirt no one thinks enough of it to place a bid. Or maybe I described the shirt just fine, but it’s too ugly for anyone but me to buy. Or maybe people do want to buy it, but they are waiting until the very last minute to start bidding and this will escalate into a huge bidding war and the shirt will end up selling for way more than I paid for it.

This selling stuff on ebay is hard. My friends made it sound easy, but now I see that either they are liars, or I’m a moron. Damn, I hate having it pointed out that I’m a moron.

You remember when I said that was the end of the Disney pictures the other day? I totally lied to you. My bad. But I promise you want to see these.

Our first day in Disney I was amazed by some of the outfits people were wearing. Maybe I’m a prude, but I would never leave the house in some of the shorts (were they even shorts or were they just denim panties?) people were wearing. Or worse yet, go to the Magic Kingdom with my 14 year-old daughter dressed like a whore. Hmph, I sound like a grandma, oh well.

I’m vowing here and now, in front of all you readers, that when I have kids I refuse to raise skanks. I’ll make fun of skanks, teach my kids to make fun of skanks, but I will not raise skanks.

After a day of these outfits I decided that the next day I would take pictures of every horrible outfit I saw. These are the pictures I took.

Chick on the left, you have cottage cheese legs. Please stop spending money getting your nails done and buy some real shorts. Thank you. (the best part about this assignment was I didn’t tell anyone else what I was doing and still when my sister-in-law saw this girl she turned to me and said “You got that picture, right?” She just knew that this bit of skankyness had to be documented)

Sweetie, isn’t that metal bench cold on your ass since you’ve hiked that skirt up? Just take a moment and imagine the view people got when they walked up the bleacher stairs, because at one point she uncrossed her legs.

This picture came out disappointing. She was wearing a yellow thong under this white skirt. YELLOW.

I wanted jparks to go ask if she for $5 would do a pole dance, but since her Dad was right next to her I didn’t think it was the best idea. Please check out the pockets on the back of these shorts. Yeah, the shorts are so short they are only like half pockets. You know, cuz full pockets are sooo frumpy.

I’m so confused. The torn, raggety shorts with a rope belt say redneck, but the backless shirt says slut.

I have seriously saved the best for last. It’s so good, you should really click here to view it at orginial size. Brace yourself.

Let me point out some things to look for: scary long fake nails, dangling jeweled navel ring, bare stomach, arm tattoo of baby daddy’s name, flip flops, which just make her outfit complete.

After I took these I saw many many many other horrible outfits, but I found this assignment too tiring. If I kept taking pictures of the clothes I would not have taken pictures of anything else or been able to ride any rides.