Remember when I mentioned that Molly has ruined the carpet in our guest room and, in order to safely turn it in a nursery, I would have to replace it? I would like to go back to that time please. That time when I didn’t know just how hella expensive carpet is. And when I could look at Molly without wanting to force her into kitty pageants to pay off her many vet bills and home improvement expenses. (Do you think that cat pageants would be as awesome as dog pageants are in Best In Show? Because if so, I’m packing up a busy bee and entering one immediately.)

I’ve gotten two bids on replacing the carpet in that one 10′x16′ room and the first bid is right below $1000 and the second is just above $1100. I could call more companies, but I am confident that the lower bid will be the lowest I’m going to get. When the contractor called me with the bid info he even told me “I buy a lot of carpet and I’ve got to be honest, that’s some expensive carpet.” Great. Thanks Molly for literally pissing away $1000. Perhaps if I use loose change in your litter box instead of cat litter you’ll start going in there? Would that be more acceptable for your bathroom needs? You do realize that I have to pay for cat litter, so even by peeing on that you are costing me money. Why can’t that be enough for you?

I feel like this experience has been a good lesson preparing me for parenthood. Why buy the expensive stroller when your kid will just pee and puke on it? Why get the more expensive, but just as safe as the cheap model, car seat when you’ll just end up picking cheerios and god knows what else out of it for the next three years? The only thing I think I can justify spending a ton of money one is a breast pump and that’s because it’s for me and I take care of my things. I have never once peed on the floor in my bedroom. And while you will occasionally find a stray french fry in my car, I assure you it didn’t come from me. Drive through employees drop them in while handing me my bag of food just to make me look bad. It’s a conspiracy, X-Files even did an episode about it once.

On Sunday jparks and I went to Best Buy so he could get some fancy Bluetooth headphones so he could play his newest online video game obsession in comfort and so that I could pick up a copy of Twilight on dvd. Shut up, Robert Pattinson is hot and I have a strange love for cheesy movies. And did I mention that Pattinson is hot?

Of course jparks could not let me just buy the movie without some input from him. Input in the form of many sarcastic remarks about how I’m secretly still a 16 year old goth girl and how I wish I were also a vampire. Seriously, the boy has some nerve to make fun of me because I would never make fun of him. But I’m not going to lie, high school me would have loved the Twilight movie with all her heart and would never dare call it cheesy or poorly acted. This was proven to me when I found the following quote on the back of the dvd’s packaging “The most epic romance since Titanic” -Hollywood.com

There are no words for how much I loved Titanic back in the day. I was working at a movie theatre when it came out and I’m fairly certain I saw it once a weekend. I would also spend part of my lunch breaks sitting in on various showings, not carrying at what point I was walking in on the movie. My best friend and I even convinced one of our teachers to come with us to a showing of Titanic. I remember how the teacher looked at us like we were nuts afterward, as we looked at her like she was the freak for not loving every second of the movie. Now I understand that Titanic was a really horrible movie and I think I might owe my teacher the $6 it cost her to go see it.

As we walked out of Best Buy into the sun jparks remarked “This is the skin of a killer! twinkle” complete with jazz hands near his chest to represent twinkling skin. We both had a good laugh, because that line right there is probably one of the best lines in the movie. Then you add in the twinkle effect they used for vampire skin and omg, the cheese is overwhelming. Of course, jparks and I spent the rest of the day making jazz hand twinkles at each other. And we laughed about this until we took Lily out and discovered Vampire Dog!

I had considered radioactive spiders and kryptonite, but I had never considered that she could be the bad guy instead of the hero. At least now I feel safe because if I’m ever walking her and a car jumps the curb and comes barreling at me, I’ll be safe in her tiny little vampire paws.

So I used to have a cat on prozac. I eventually weaned her off of it because while at first the prozac was a miracle cure, after a few months she started to pick up her old habits again and the cost plus the annoyance of the administering it was no longer worth it. I’ve had her off prozac for about six months but for the last two of those, Crazy Molly has come back with a vengeance. She causes me to come very close to a breakdown on a daily basis and I am really running out of ideas for how to handle this.

It started when we had the stairs leading down to the garage and the litter box closet redone. For about a week the cats couldn’t walk on the stairs and we had to move the litter boxes to the guest room. This change was apparently too much for her to handle because she started peeing on anything located near the litter box. This included, but is possibly not limited to: bathmats, dirty clothes, carpet, and any other fucking thing in sight. Seriously, on Friday I found a couple of sweaters that were waiting to go to the cleaners that she doused in pee. While I was picking those up I walked in on her peeing on a bathmat and, I swear, when she was done peeing she laughed at me. LAUGHED.

Besides peeing on things that fit in the washing machine, Molly has ruined the carpet in the guest bedroom. We’re about to start converting that to the nursery and, after painting the room, we’re going to have to have the carpet ripped out and replaced. But once I have the carpet replaced, how do I prevent it from getting ruined again? How do I get Molly to start acting like a normal cat again? And what if I can’t get her back there?

The vet determined there is nothing physically wrong with her and that it’s all mental. I could give prozac another try but I doubt the benefits will last more than a few months. Once the carpet is replaced in the nursery, she can not pee in there but it’s not as simple as keeping the door closed. I’m thinking that locking the baby into the room might count as abuse or something. I’ve had Molly for 10 years now and sometimes find myself thinking “How many more years can she possibly have in her?” but honestly that cat is as healthy as could be and shows no signs of her age. Jparks and I often joke that she’ll out live us, and at this point I’m not so certain that won’t happen.

Short of kicking her to the curb, what can I do?

I was a little worried that with getting laid off I would have nothing to blog about except for things along the lines of “omg, today’s Golden Girls episode was amazing!” or “big day today, I did laundry!” But have no fear, I’m on day 3 of unemployment and I have not only content to present you with, but it’s real live video content.

We sent Lily to the vet yesterday for a painfully expensive dental cleaning where they had to sedate her. I guess at some point she pooped on herself at the vet’s and they didn’t clean her off too well. Jparks really wanted me to bath her but I played the “how will you be able to bath a baby if you can’t bath a dog” card and forced him to do it.

First we have Lily swimming while jparks gives her a blow out:

When he was done with the blow out, he sniffed her butt. Of course the camera was off then and when I turned it back on he refused to repeat the sniffing. I really have no idea why he would refuse to sniff the dog’s butt on camera when he knows I’m going to post it here. So here’s me begging him to sniff her butt:

Aren’t you all psyched to see what unemployment brings to my blog next?

Man, I didn’t know you would all be so accepting of my incoherent whining. I’m impressed! Maybe I’ll whine all the time from now on. It was hoooootttt today. I was sweeeeaating. Whiiiiiiine.

Kidding. I’ll cut that shit out now. It was even annoying to me.

Today has been a little bit better. Lily went to the vet and was diagnosed as having an upper respiratory infection. She got a shot, which I had to hold her during (okay, I lied, will whine one more time. She was so pathetic when she got the shot. She yipped and cried and it broke my heaaaaart) and some medicine to take for about a week. I bribed her with peanut butter when we got home so she would forgive me for holding her during the shot. That dog owns me.

Then jparks went to the doctor for a mole and the doctor was all “You might have cancer” so that is fun. I’m totally not freaking out about this yet, I’m waiting until they slice a piece of his leg off and do a biopsy on it. Then I might freak out, so if you see a post that’s just “ejhrgniwrotnviegwhcwng CANCER cwioehfcngoegurghn JPARKS neirncgovtbcrnfoxewg!” you’ll know what’s going on.

After that bit o’fun I went to the doctor (we were all about medical treatment today in the Parks household) and had an xray done of my knee. Since falling at BlogHer last month, I’ve had some pain in it when I run. And then the day after running. And then anytime I encounter stairs. The xrays showed nothing and now the doctor wants me to spend money, out of pocket, for an MRI. When I asked how much money we were talking about he said “Not too bad, about $1000. A real athlete like Mr. Phelps would spend that on his knee in a heartbeat.” Uh, Mr. Doctor, I am not Mr. Phelps. I do not have enough money to fill a swimming pool, then do laps in it to break the world record for fastest 100m butterfly in a pile of $100 bills. Mr. Doctor told me to think about it overnight. Do you guys think that if I concentrate really hard, a spare $1000 will appear in my checking account? Also, can I concentrate and get a pony?

I also wore cute shoes today which helped lift my emo mood and I had this:

You might say eww, but I say yum.

Also, my hair is looking awesome and the guy at the Border’s coffeeshop gave me an extra shot of espresso in my latte. I’m fairly certain it was thanks to my cleavage. So, yay for boobies!

I have recently discovered that Molly, my emo cat, has been writing poetry. I asked her if she would like to share any with you guys and she picked this one.

“I am no lolcat” by Molly Parks

I am no
lolcat
happy, carefree, captioned
I am aware of
the pain of living
and I know
I will never nom a cheeseburger

I have no invisible bike
no invisible sandwich
You’ve never offered them
to me
How do you know that
I wouldn’t love to have them?
Why do you hate me?

I has no flavor
No catnip taste left
on my pink tongue
No kitty treats
lingering in my teeth
Now I has a flavor
it’s salty from my tears

This monorail cat
is leaving the station
I’m heading to a place
with fewer stupid animals
This monorail cat
isn’t accepting riders
Alone suits me just fine

I am no
lolcat
don’t mock me
by laughing at my pain
it’s impossible to be
me
you’ll never understand

Reasons why Molly is my favorite:

Reasons why Lily is my favorite:

Reasons why Tangi is my favorite:

me: “You know, I didn’t find CostCo to be all that”

boss: “Really, why?”

“Well, they don’t have the kind of toilet paper I like. I’m very loyal to my brands and I like my normal toilet paper.”

“Really, their toilet paper selection offended you?”

“No, their lack of toilet paper selection offended me. I like what I like. I have a discriminating butt. Jparks too”

“huh.”

“And they didn’t have the cat litter my cats like either.”

“Wow, your household is really devoted to its poop routine, isn’t it.”

“You know, I never thought about it but I guess we are.”