I pretty much knew going into this parenthood thing that being sleep deprived for awhile would be the norm. What I didn’t know was just how much I would rely on my tivo and netflix to get me through the wee hours of the night when I’m so tried that I can’t focus on much. I tried reading but when Truman’s stuck to my boob, drool is gathering in the corner of my mouth, and my eyes are half open, the last thing I can focus on is a book. Honestly, even a magazine is a bit over my head at that point. It’s safe to say that if I didn’t have a tivo I’m sure that I would have fallen asleep during a feeding and dropped Truman.

So because I’m tired and I refuse to cave and give you guys more Truman pictures instead of real content, here are my thoughts on random crap I’ve been watching at night:

On Food Network a new show called “What Would Brian Boitano Make?” recently premiered and it’s so good. I had no idea Brian Boitano had a sense of humor about himself, but he does and now I love him. In one episode he says he loves figure skating, riding his bicycle across rainbows, and cooking, then they show him riding his bike across a cartoon rainbow. I don’t care if every recipe he features is total crap, the biking bit won the show a season pass on my tivo. (For the record all of his recipes seem tasty, but I haven’t made any of them yet) Mr. Boitano, I see you’re local, can I come over for dinner?

People, one word: Hoarders. This is the most depressing show on tv and yet I can’t not watch, unless we’re talking about the cat hoarder episode, which I deleted from my tivo so I wouldn’t be tempted. I think the most depressing aspect of the show is that these people aren’t magically fixed at the end of the episode and you know within a year they’ll be back in the same situation. I mean, won’t pitching all their crap just make them go out and get even more crap, even faster. I’m fairly certain that once a hoarder, always a hoarder.

I hate Cake Boss. Buddy is no Duff and their cakes aren’t nearly as interesting as Ace of Cakes’. We get it, you’re Italian and you make cakes. You’re like the Godfather of bakeries. Yay for you.

When pregnant I became obsessed with pregnancy shows like “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant.” Now that I’ve had the kid, one would assume I would start watching shows like “Supernanny”, but that’s not the case. No, I’ve started watching wedding shows and my favorite is “Bridezillas.” Basic premise of the show is that some women become crazy bitches about their weddings and their crazy bitch ways get filmed and aired for normal people to see. I thought the women on the show would be a little crazy, because if they were really crazy why would they sign up to air that on national tv? Holy crap, was I wrong. The women they feature are beyond really crazy. I want a behind the scenes episode where the producers tell how they find these women. Do they send in audition tapes and if so, can we see them? Also, can we have a follow up with some of the women? Did they watch their episodes and feel embarrassed? Did they manage to stay married? I need more info!

My baby can read but only if I buy him a five dvd set. Because watching tv is how most kids learn to read, right?

Lately I’ve been doing a lot of reading (shout out to my kindle!) and I’ve got to admit that I just don’t get David Sedaris. Specifically his latest book, When You Are Engulfed In Flames. And possibly even the one before that too.

Before you start telling me that I have no sense of humor or that I’m obviously an idiot let me explain that I really loved his earlier books. I can’t make it through a Christmas without reading Holidays on Ice and yet his latest books have left me feeling meh. I just don’t see the funny in them. Can anyone explain to me what I’m missing?

In addition to lots of reading, I’ve also been watching lots of tv without the use of tivo. I know, what the hell kind of third world country am I living in? Since I’m lacking the tivo I can’t pause and then fast forward through commercials and it seems I’ve forgotten how annoying commercials can be. First they are so loud. If the show’s volume is here, the commercial’s volume is HERE!! And god forbid it’s a commercial featuring Billy Mays because then the speakers blow out and my ears bleed. But I doubt that’ll be a problem anyone more. (In tribute to Mr. Mays I’m pouring a little OxyCean into every load of laundry I do this week. Which I mostly do anyway, but now it’s a touching tribute and not just an effort to eradicate stains.)

Besides the volume issues, I’m slowly being driven crazy by commercials for various technical colleges where the recent graduate proclaims “If I can do it, you can do it!” This pisses me off to no end because it does not work as a sales pitch. That’s what you say when you are totally pathetic at something yet can still do it, so the speaker is admitting that she’s a moron. Right? “I’m a burn out loser/total fucking idiot/have the attention span of a gnat but if I can do it, you can do it!” This does not entice me to sign up for dental assistant classes. The only thing that makes me more angry is when it’s a voice over saying “If she can do it, you can do it!” Really Mr. Voice Over, you think the person is an idiot? Do they know what you think of them or do they only find out once they’ve gathered their family around to see their commercial debut? How embarrassing for them. I hope you end up going to their dental clinic and they get to scrape your teeth and gums with the pointy hook until you bleed.

Unrelated, I’m feeling incredibly huge today. And I think I’m getting fat in the neck. How does a neck get fat? How does one lose weight from their neck? I miss working out and running. whhhiiiinnnneeee

Recently I’ve noticed that everyone and their mother watches the Bachelor and Rock of Love Bus. (Seriously, click on that Rock of Love link. Those are some of the sluttiest looking girls I have ever seen. And looking at their boobs makes my boobs hurt.) While I’m sure those are two quality television shows, I just can’t bring myself to watch them, although I’m sure as soon as jparks clicks through to the Rock of Love girls he’ll be begging me to add that to the tivo rotation.

Don’t get me wrong, I love crappy tv shows and my newest addiction is pretty bad in its own right. Last week the new season of Dancing With The Stars debuted and I am hooked. I never watched past seasons, but they really sucked me in this year with the Woz as a contestant. Who doesn’t want to see an overweight, Segway riding, computer geek dance? NO ONE, that’s who! Check it:

He is so bad, but he tries so hard. And look at him, he’s having a blast! That makes for the best contestant a reality show like this could ever hope for. On last week’s episode he was the lowest rated dancer by the judges, which is just sad, but I don’t think that’s enough to get him voted off. The audience is encouraged to call and vote for their favorites and I don’t think I have ever called in to a show to cast my ballot (I do not watch America Idol) but I did it for the Woz. And I’m really hoping that Apple is currently holding paychecks of employees unless they call in and vote for their man. Come on Apple people, support one of your own!

And while we’re talking about DWTS, if I find out that anyone out there voted for Denise Richards, I will knife you. That crazy bitchShe needs to go before she starts thinking that she’s still hot and that society still likes her.

Jparks left for Austin yesterday (yes he’s there longer than I am, but for the days when we are both there, he packed more clothes) and that means that I’m living the bachelorette life until Thursday when I depart for Austin too. I don’t know what that means for other people, but for me it’s watching the crappiest tv shows I tivo without anyone complaining about how bad they are.

Last night I was in the middle of my crappy tv marathon when I passed out on the couch. And, proving that I need jparks more than I admit, that’s where I stayed all night because no one was here to force me to move upstairs. To the comfortable bed where I wouldn’t wake up confused and in pain. To take off the many layers of clothing I was wearing. And wash my face and brush my teeth.

I did wake up a few times during the night and was plagued with extremely weird dreams. I woke up once while The Secret Life was playing and I worked into my dream that I was helping pregnant teenagers by adopting all their babies. And then word got out at the local high school that I was helping out the preggos with the babies while they finished school and I ended up with 50 babies to care for. I’m fairly certain I woke up in a cold sweat. And cursing all those teens for being whores.

When I woke up that time a Girls Gone Wild infomercial was on and that became my main dream focus. I was back in college and creepy Joe Francis was in a bunch of my classes harassing all the girls to go wild. Also, I have never seen a full 30 minute Girls Gone Wild infomercial but it was weird and way beyond creepy. After watching it, even in my hazy sleep state, I can’t imagine being a guy and ever wanting to order the dvds. I kind of figured the content was girls lifting their shirts with music playing, but apparently they leave in the guy asking the girls to remove their shirts and complimenting their boobs. Creepy.

The last time I woke up an infomercial about buying homes for less than $300 because they are bank repos was on. If you’re wondering why I didn’t turn the tv off I honestly don’t have a good answer. The remote was right there, I have functioning thumbs for hitting buttons, and I probably would have slept a bit better if someone wasn’t yelling at me about all the missed housing opportunities that are just passing me by. (You too could be like Bill here and own A WHOLE STREET!)

Tonight I’m going to go to bed early, like right now, before I hit the wall where walking up the stairs is beyond too much work. Although I still have more episodes of The Secret Life to watch and they are on the tivo downstairs. Decisions, decisions.

Also, the last time I got this crappy of a night of sleep was a week ago when jparks woke me up every half hour by yelling “OATMEAL CREME PIE!” in his sleep.

Unrelated, you might want to ignore anything I post here for the next 6 months or so. I’ve got a raging case of pregnancy brain going on and I can’t remember anything to save my life. Which means that I’ll probably start posts and not have any clue where I was headed by the time I reach the halfway point. Not that I’m saying that happened today or anything. No, today I was totally on track the whole time.

Since I laid on my couch for 13 days recently, I discovered a channel that I didn’t know about, Fine Living Network. The overall theme of this channel is “Hey America, you could really learn some manners from England!” Most of the shows on FLN are tolerable, but there’s one in particular that drives me insane and yet I can’t stop watching it. I apparently really love to torture myself, as is evident by the fact that not only will I watch the show if it’s on while I’m home, but I picked up a TiVo season pass. Because god forbid I not miss the awfulness.

The show is called Whatever, Martha! and consists of Martha Stewart’s daughter Alexis and her friend Jennifer snarking their way through old episodes of Martha’s shows. I saw a commercial and thought that it would be the best show on television ever. I love Martha and snark and tv, so how could this show let me down? Holy crap, was I wrong.

The two hosts come off as spoiled bratty idiots and are not funny. They move in and out of super thick Jersey accents as if they’ve been told to hide them, but occasionally forget. Alexis repeatedly rolls her eyes at Jennifer, as if Jennifer is the dumbest human ever to have lived, which Hi, Alexis, you are giving her a real run for that title. They occasionally attempt whatever craft Martha is featuring and end up failing at it brilliantly, which does not endear them to me in any way. You aren’t proving how hard and ridiculous the craft is by screwing it up, you’re just proving that you’re a moron. A not funny moron.

It’s not that I’m against snarky television. I used to watch Mystery Science Theatre 3000. I use snark in my ever day life. I love snark, but only when it’s done properly. Here’s my proposal: who wants to start a show where we watch other shows and sit around and snark our way through them? We can start small by posting our show on You Tube until a network picks us up. I’ll provide snacks and the place we snark, you can provide additional snark and suggestions of shows that need our treatment.

If the Whatever, Martha! girls can have a television and a radio show based around their pathetic senses of humor, imagine the total world domination you and I can have. We’ll be un-freaking-stoppable. So who’s on board?

Friday of last week was supposed to be my first day back at work but my boss noticed that we were the only people on the face of the earth working (besides Kristabella) and let me go home right before lunchtime. So today I’m back in the saddle for my first full day of work since Dec 23. I’ve got to say that while I don’t get nearly enough vacation days per year, having the stretch of time from Christmas Eve to New Year’s off is a pretty sweet deal.

Since I haven’t been working, I’ve been spending my days lounging on my couch and watching the Food Network for hours and hours. (Sandra Lee, I hate you with a burning degree of hatred I never knew existed. Fuck you and your tablescapes) This has led me to much confusion about what the date is and exactly how far into January we are. I’m one of those people with a January birthday, but unlike those poor people that have very early January birthdays and only get one set of gifts, my birthday is just far enough in to allow the holiday rush to simmer down and if someone were to try and tell me that my Christmas gift was also my birthday gift, well, they would just look like a douche face (new favorite insult. Have called jparks a douche face at least 40 times so far this year) ((also, I only expect birthday gifts from my mom and jparks. This post is not a hint to you. Unless you want to buy me a gift. In which case, might I show you my amazon wishlist?)) Anyway, the point of all that rambling is that my birthday is this Sunday! Holy crap, who’s excited? Me, I am!

But this post has gone off on a major tangent because it was not started so that I could point out that my birthday is Sunday. No, it was started to point out that tonight Gossip Girl comes back! Now I know Chuck Bass is not everyone’s cup of tea, but gaw, do I ever love him. And tonight we get to see Chuck Bass possibly, maybe, nearly fall off a roof. Also, possibly, maybe in an opium den having sex with a modern geisha. Oh, the anticipation is killing me.

I know I’m not the only person excited that Gossip Girl is coming back tonight. In fact, I know ML has my back on the idea that Chuck Bass is awesome but surely we can’t be the only two. Are you a Gossip Girl junkie? Do you love Dorota? Do you hate Vanessa? Did you cry when Chuck showed up at Blair’s house in that last episode and they spooned in bed with Chuck being the little spoon? Because I know I can’t be the only one.

xoxo, regan

I know in the past I’ve said I’ll watch any show Bravo airs, but that was a lie. What I meant to say was I’ll watch any reality competition or spin off from a reality competition that Bravo airs. Of course I watch the popular competitions, like Project Runway and Top Chef, but I’m also a total sucker for Top Design and Shear Genius. And I’m not above admitting to watching the whole series of Make Me A Supermodel. Honestly, sometimes the less brain activity a show requires on my part, the better.

On Saturday afternoon I was searching for something mindless to watch so I could relax and maybe take a nap, but I discovered that I had nothing on tivo worthy of half-conscious viewing. I clicked through over to Bravo hoping that there would be a Top Chef marathon but instead found a Housewives of Atlanta marathon. And people, that was television gold.

I caught the last episode of the season and the reunion episode, where one housewife had to sit on another so she wouldn’t beat the ass of a third housewife. It was awesome. After the reunion episode, the Real Housewives of Orange County came on and it was good too. I have no idea why I resisted the Real Housewives for so long, but I’m making up for lost time by picking up season passes to both of them.

Jparks tried to watch a bit of the shows with me and made it through about twenty minutes before he just couldn’t stand it anymore. He really tried his best, but he couldn’t get over the fact that I was willing to watch a show where a fight that happened in an earlier episode was still heavily talked about and yet, no one mentions what the fight is about. “Why do they all hate each other?” “I don’t know.” 4 minutes later “Why do they all hate each other?” “You have seen exactly as much as me, so how could I possibly know if you don’t.” Not long after that he left the room muttering under his breath about how stupid the show is. He is obviously of a mindset that all television viewing needs to be high quality, like his favorite show Stargate Atlantis.

So, is anyone else watching the Real Housewives? Why do Nene and Kim hate each other? And who is Kim’s Big Poppa? And why does Kim insist that she’s 29? And as for the Housewives of the OC, OMG I just love them all. I think I need to see if the past three seasons are available on dvd because I need to start at the beginning. Maybe get to the bottom of why Don doesn’t fill Vicki’s love tank anymore. Or find out why Jeana is allowing her ex-husband to live in her house. I have so many unanswered questions!

Earlier today I mention to jparks that something reminded me of “I’m crazy pickle arm! I’ve got a pickle for my arm! Now give me some candy!” and he looked at me like I was nuts. “You know, Adam Sandler’s crazy pickle arm Halloween costume?” Nothing.

Turns out jparks had a life or something during the 90’s and didn’t watch Saturday Night Live. He has never heard of most of my favorite sketches and seriously, HOW?!!?. When I mentioned living in a van down by the river, no response. How does anyone over the age of 25 not know who Matt Foley is? I didn’t ask if he knows who Philip the Hyper Hypo or Simon are because I don’t want to know the answer.

I really think his ignorance of SNL in the 90’s might be grounds for divorce. So, to avoid that, let’s educate him:

You can find more over here, but unfortunately not Crazy Pickle Arm. Bonus points to anyone that can find it online for me.

Like every other person in the world, I currently have Olympic fever. I’ve been tivo’ing all kinds of random sports (weightlifting! Who knew it was enjoyable to watch!) and just can’t get enough. I’m totally hating Susan right now and have been playing a fun Where’s Waldo type game called “Can You Find Susan In The Crowds?” Thus far I’m losing, but I know she’s there somewhere, I just need to keep looking.

Watching all of these incredible athletes has really inspired me to want to go to the Olympics someday. And, while going as a spectator would be awesome, going as an athlete would be even better and I think it’s totally doable. I say that with total respect to the real athletes because I’m going to go as a heart warming story that the sportscasters will laugh about and say “Can you believe she’s here! That’s a true Olympic dream coming true!”

Here’s what I think needs to happen for me to go to the Olympics:

I could be talked into a team event if I can find others that want to go to the Olympics with me but don’t want to win. Maybe we could form a rowing team. Or a synchronized swimming team (BEST IDEA YET). We could have the best bathing suits and do synchronized swimmers perform to music, because we could perform to something fun and awesome. I’m open to suggestions.

Who wants in on my brilliant plan?

I’m just about caught up with everything on my tivo and, since most of the episodes were season finales, it’s time to find new and exciting ways to fill my nights until summer ends and the fall tv season starts. Perhaps I’ll hit up Barnes & Noble for all of those books you guys suggested. Or maybe it’s time to pack my netflix queue full of tv shows on dvd that I never got around to watching when they first came on! Yay for tv! Boo for books!

Kidding. Well, kinda. I am trying to read all of your suggestions, but it’s been slow going. I’ve been so drained when I get home from work that I lack the attention span required for me to read a really great book. (That’s the snobby English major in me talking. Certain kinds of books I can’t casually read, I have to devote myself to them.) But tv requires no brain activity and therefore I lurve it. Yay for mindless entertain! Yay for turning my brain into mush!

But when it comes to tv viewing, I have rules. The biggest, most important one being that if I don’t watch a show from when it premiers, then I can’t start watching it mid season, or at the start of the second season, or really at any time. Which is why tv on dvd has been such a blessing for me. This rules is also why my tivo hates me every fall. I must record all the new shows, otherwise I might miss something GOOD! But inevitably I miss something that turns into a great show and when my Entertainment Weekly arrives I have no idea what they are talking about. Neil Patrick Harris wants me to suit up? I don’t get it!

And this is why I wait all tv season long for the summer when I netflix the hell out of tv shows, watching them obsessively so I can start watching the show in the fall. This was how I watched Gilmore Girls (that was a hard one because I had something like 5 seasons to catch up with), Friday Night Lights (easy peasy, one season), and Grey’s Anatomy (mid level, 3 seasons).

This summer I think I’m going to queue up Pushing Daisies and How I Met Your Mother (not knowing why I’m supposed to suit up is KILLING ME). I’ve also had a really bizarre desire to watch the first season of the Golden Girls (stop judging me) lately so maybe I’ll throw that one in. What’s not to love about Golden Girls? It’s entertaining and it’ll drive jparks crazy, I call that a win-win situation. This summer is going to be awesome!