Friday night jparks and I went out for a date night. We had dinner at Xanh where I got a little tipsy and declared that I don’t like people (but not you, you I like) then we saw Percy Jackson, which was awful and we spent the duration of the movie pining for New Orleans where you can order a daiquiri to help ease the pain of dumb movies, but none of that has anything to do with the rest of this story.

When we left the house it was raining so I decided to wear my new skinny jeans that I bought for the sole purpose of tucking into my lovely wellies. In the past I’ve discussed my disgustingly thick calves which do not fit into regular boots, and I hate to admit it but they have not changed. So when wellies are super cute and loose on other girls, they are snug and not as cute on me, yet I wear them anyway because no one likes wet feet.

So I was wearing my cute wellies all night and they were snug, especially since I crammed not only my calves and jeans into them but also a pair of violet welly socks. They weren’t uncomfortable though, so I didn’t think anything of it. Can anyone guess where this is going?

When we got home I tried to pull the left boot off and that’s when things started to go downhill fast. The boot was completely stuck and the more I tugged on it, the more it became clear that it had no intention of budging. After a few pathetic moments of tugging on my own leg, I called in jparks to get the job done. It turns out the welliess were so stuck that jparks managed to pull me off the chair I was holding onto with a death grip when he yanked on them.

I thought the worst part would be just getting the wellies off my legs, but holy crap I was wrong. Once they were removed I realized my calves were on fire. And turning purple. It was not a good scene. I ended up not being able to sleep in pajama pants that night because having them rub around my legs was unbearable. And the only thing that made the sheets bearable was the ice packs I wrapped around my legs. Ice packs! The absurdity of the situation was not lost on me. I was crippled by my wellies! My feet stayed dry but I almost lost my legs below the knee. I probably gave myself deep vein thrombosis. It would be fitting if I died at the hands of my shoes.

It’s still really rainy here but I haven’t had the balls to wear the wellies again. Perhaps I can risk it if I skip the fleece socks. But damn they’re cute. And isn’t cuteness worth risking limb loss for?

I would like someone to invent and send me a recipe for what I’m calling crust twists. Crust twists are the best part of a pie, the crust, twisted into sticks that can then be dipped into a fruit or cream sauce. Actually the dipping sauce is completely optional and only included so that people like jparks won’t whine that the crust twists are too boring on their own. Crust twists should not be coated in cinnamon sugar because then we’re talking churros, which are a totally different beast. Crust twists should remain as true to a regular pie crust recipe as possible, but should maybe be sturdier so they don’t crumble when you pick them up. Also, maybe less flaky? Although I’m not sure about that though since flaky equals tasty.

Can you tell I’ve spend a ridiculous amount of time thinking about crust twists lately? I wish I were kidding about my love for these things that do not exist (that I know of) but honestly, I love them. When I’ve had a rough day I spend a minute thinking about enjoying a crust twist with a nice cup of tea. Ohh, could we somehow infuse crust twists? Maybe an earl grey one? People I am just overflowing with good ideas tonight!

While we’re talking about food and recipes, let me share the joy that are wasabi and soy sauce almonds. The lovely Metalia twittered about them a few weeks ago and as soon as I saw them in a store, I grabbed a tin. Holy crap, I’m addicted. The issue is that the small cans, that I can easily empty in an afternoon, are expensive. Which leads me back to my issue with crust twists: can someone create a recipe for wasabi and soy sauce coated almonds and send it to me? I’ve been scouring stores trying to locate either the lime and chili or the salt and vinegar flavors, but have had no luck, so I’ll also happily accept recipe for them as well.

And one more plea. Do you guys know those soft sugar cookie that grocery stores sell? They look like this:

Those are the best cookies in the history of cookies. They are always labeled “sugar cookies” but they are not simply sugar cookies. I thought maybe using a cake batter would be the key to their secret, but I was wrong. So very, very wrong. Anyone have suggestions for at home production of them? Also, I need help with their icing. It’s more firm than a regular icing and oh so delicious.

Also, I think this post might win me blogger of the year. I disappear for two, almost three weeks and when I return I demand recipes. Did you want actual content? My bad! I figured my call for recipes was more interesting than hearing about Tru’s high chair that is currently residing in my shower or the fact that Philadelphia Chickens is playing in a constant loop through my head. Holy crap, I’ve become a cliche. Quick, someone bring me a crust twist!

Greetings from the other side of 30! Things here are, um, older? Actually, having only been in the land of 30 year olds for ten days now I can say life here isn’t as scary as I was expecting, although a few things do suck.

Sucky Thing Number 1: Truman’s reaction when I told him how old I am now

He used to be my favorite child, but has now lost that title to Lily. She will never judge me for getting older.

Sucky Thing Number 2: Mustache

I swear the day before my birthday my upper lip decided “What the hell, let’s grow a mustache!” I’m no stranger to facial waxing as I can’t handle plucking my own eyebrows so I have them beaten into submission via wax frequently. And I’ve even given in to waxing that upper lip area in the past, but I’ve never felt like it was necessary. Before it was a preventative attack but now it needs to be done. I wonder if it feels like jparks is just kissing himself lately.

I’m sure there are other sucky things that I’m too tired to remember them right now. (perhaps I’m not too tired, it’s just my memory going since I’m old. That can be Sucky Thing Number 3!) So onto the good things about being 30! Wheee!

We went to dinner at LB Steak, just the two of us, and I got a very tasty adult beverage:

It’s okay to admit that you’re a bit disappointed that my tasty beverage is covering my mustache. That wasn’t done on purpose and is just a happy mistake

Besides a spiced pear lemon drop I also had a filet mignon and some truffled mac and cheese. Oh! And pork belly with a fried egg! It was a meal full of win.

After dinner jparks and I walked over to Nordstrom where I got these beauties:

Apparently once you’re 30 you’re finally responsible enough to own a pair of very expensive shoes. Or maybe you need very expensive shoes to distract from your mustache. Either way, I have very expensive shoes that make me feel very good. I know you’re thinking those are pretty tame as far as shoes go, and I would have loved something more along these lines, but really, a black pump? I’ll wear the hell out of that.

All things considered 30 isn’t too bad. I mean, sure as Mary-Lynn pointed out lusting after Chuck Bass is now probably extra creepy and I bet that same thing applies to Puck from Glee, but hey I have nice shoes! And jparks still loves me despite the mustache. Now if I could just convince Truman that me being 30 isn’t the end of the world and that if he wants to make fun of someone for being old, perhaps his father is better suited for being the butt of those jokes. After all, he’s older then me and bald, that’s comedy gold right there.

Do you know there is such a thing as too long of a vacation? We’ve been away from home since December 18th and dear god I am so ready to get back to my own bed. Also, the kid has refused to sleep in a crib or pack and play through this whole trip and has been sleeping right between jparks and I, which might work for other couples, but sucks for us. Truman is getting the boot as soon as we get home. In fact, he’s lucky jparks and I aren’t hiring a nanny to stay with him that first night so we can go shack up in a hotel. Not that we would have the energy to do anything to make paying for a hotel worthwhile, unless you count me passing out as soon as we walked into the room as jparks serenades me with a chorus of “blowjob? blowjob? blowjob?” all night long worthwhile.

The first part of this trip was spent in New Orleans where we got to see lots of family and friends. We are still on the second part of the trip in Austin where our friends have been really trying to sell me on the idea of buying a house. The biggest selling point is that for what we paid for our tiny townhouse in CA, we could have a huge house with a yard (A YARD!) here. I’ve got to admit, it is very tempting. Also, jparks dreams of living behind his friend Jeff so they can live out some King Of The Hill fantasy where they stand in an alley and drink beer and say “Yup.” So I don’t know, we’ll have to see what happens.

In unrelated news, my Christmas gift to myself from jparks was a Canon G11, which is rocking my world like you would not believe. Another gift was a photography session in New Orleans and so far I’ve only seen three of the pictures, but I’m so excited about them. I love how good my hair and skin can look under the careful hand of someone that knows photoshop.

We also did a session of Truman only pictures with jparks’ mom and thanks to those pictures I’ve learned that my child is beyond albino. Come summer I’m not even sure SPF 100 will be enough to protect him.

The only other thing going on lately is that my birthday is quickly approaching and this year it’s a big one, 30. I waver back and forth between being okay with 30 and having mild freak outs over it. Of course, it helps to remember that I might be turning 30, but that means my mom is 55 and that’s way worse. I’m currently on the hunt for the perfect gift to celebrate this birthday milestone, but have been coming up empty handed. I’m open to suggestions if you know of an awesome gift that says “Hey, you’re 30 and it doesn’t suck as much as everyone says!” Maybe a snuggie?

Happy holidays everyone! It’s been quite the year and I’m so glad you’ve all stuck around during my whining through my pregnancy and my lack of posting while I navigate motherhood.

Here’s hoping 2010 is just as amazing as 2009 was. Cheers!

Guys, I am sick. Like for real sick, not just “I’m so tired I feel sick” sick. I even went to the doctor and got medicine. Liquid medicine that I’m actually taking, which is huge for me. Normally if a doctor prescribes liquid medicine I skip taking it because oh god, barf barf barf. I honestly would rather cough until I puke than take cough syrup, which is kind of dumb since either way puking is the outcome. I am smart like that.

Anyway, since I’m sick how about a random update for a post.

And now I’m off to pass out. Oh codeine, you are so helpful.

Well, this was a fun weekend here at Parks Place. Assuming the new definition of fun is “exceptionally bad or displeasing.” Or “having undesirable or negative qualities” would work as fun’s new definition as well. Either way this weekend was sucky. And crappy. And did I mention not fun at all?

Thursday night Tru started with a fever, which we managed through the night with tylenol and cool rags. Friday I took him to the pediatrician expecting to be told we were all clear and it was just a fluke spike in his temperature. Expect it turns out it wasn’t just a fluke and the kid had swine flu H1N1. And because the flu wasn’t enough, the pediatrician called a few hours later to tell me that Tru’s urine sample came back positive for a urinary tract infection. I do want to give Tru props for being a trooper, as sick as he was, he was still smiling and generally in a good mood.

We’re past the worst of the flu and now are left to deal with the UTI. Apparently UTIs are not very common in baby boys so when he’s done with his antibiotics, Tru gets an ultrasound. Depending on the results of that we’ll move on to a voiding cystourethrogram which involves a catheter and dye inserted into his bladder. I’m trying not to worry too much about this because what good will it do? We can’t get the ultrasound for at least a week, and I refuse to obsess about it until then. I will not be referring to Dr. Google because that just leads to sleepless nights spent staring at the ceiling while I chew my bottom lip off.

While I was at the pediatrician and the bad news was washing over me, I kept reminding myself that at least Saturday would be a good day because it was New! Car! Day! A couple of weeks ago jparks and I decided to get an Audi Q5 and Saturday was the day it would be ready for pick up at the dealership. I spent a lot of time while we were considering a new car walking around dealerships, talking to salesguys, researching on edmunds.com, and test driving various models and the Q5 came out on top time and time again. For a bigger car it’s sexy, it handles beautifully, and it comes with enough gadgets inside to make jparks happy. I felt like if I were going to be buying a Mom car, the Q5 was a pretty damn cool Mom car.

Saturday morning came and I called the dealership to make sure the car was ready for pickup when the salesguy dropped this bomb on me “My sales manager says I can’t sell you the Q5 at the price we talked about.” Basically he claims that the Q5 is in such demand that they can sell it at sticker and we had agreed on a price that was not sticker. We hadn’t filled out any paperwork yet because they wanted us to take care of all of that once the car arrived and while I probably could have gone to the dealership and made a scene, I just wasn’t feeling it. The disappointment of not getting the car I wanted and expected should have lit a fire under me, but instead I was feeling rather worn down and just told the dealer “Thanks, but no thanks.”

It’s safe to say that my plan to eat better did not work out so well this weekend. When life gets tough, pie and cookies are very comforting. I guess my new plan is that if I can’t have a new car, I should eat until my ass is as big as one. Good plan!

For the past few Novembers I’ve participated in National Blog Posting Month, and for a couple of days at the end of October I was stupid enough to think I would be able to participate again this year. And then the second day came and I stared at my laptop screen for a few minutes and promptly passed out. I never realized before just how hard it is to string together words into a post when you’ve had all the creative energy sucked out of you by an infant that enjoys made-up-as-you-go songs. Excuses, excuses.

Since I failed at NaBloPoMo before I even really got started, I’ve decided to take up another task, Slynnro’s NoImYoSeMo. Instead of making a blog post a day I’ll make a list of things I want to improve in my life, which oh my god there are so many, and then try my best to get the list done by the end of the month. Sounds easy enough, let’s go!

None of these are huge changes to my life but each one will help me in some way. And besides, I’m not certain right now is the best time to try and take on a huge change. I feel crappy enough that I failed at NaBloPoMo, I can only imagine how crappy I would feel if I weren’t able to make an improvement in my life that I had told everyone about and that I wanted to accomplish. So drinking more water and cleaning drawers it is!

Usually I’m up for celebrating Halloween but someone apparently peed in my Halloween corn flakes this year, because I was really not feeling it. I tried to get into it, I really did, but between the super crowded Google Halloween party and the disappointing Fall Fest I attended, my Halloween spirit died quickly. I did manage to dress Truman up once in his caterpillar costume which made me happy:

ohhhh it’s the elusive Regan smile. No one make any sudden movements so we don’t scare it away

On Halloween night I thought about hitting a local mall with a friend to see the kids all dressed up for a costume parade, or visiting a neighbor’s house because they had set up their porch for a Halloween photo backdrop, or even just going to another friend’s house to hang out but in the end I was lazy and stayed home. Since last year we had one kid come to our house I hadn’t bought any candy and now that we were going to be home, and I would hate to get egged, a quick trip to the store yielded one bag of Mr. Goodbars, which are one of my favorites. Turns out we got more kids than I was expecting and when I lowered the bowl of Mr. Goodbars down for them to grab some, there were quite a few disappointed sighs. Who knew kids aren’t into chocolate and peanut goodness. Sorry kids, I’m happy to share my candy with you but I can’t promise our palates will like the same things. You should be glad I didn’t hand out dark chocolate covered salted caramels since that’s what I really like.

Maybe next year will be better. Tru will be old enough to stand up and act cute in his costume and I’ll know not to buy Mr. Goodbars for the trick-or-treaters. Or I’ll buy Mr. Goodbars but then get something else that kids actually like. Maybe I’ll even go crazy and buy a pumpkin. Whoa, slow down self, you don’t want to get too wild.

Can we talk about a few things that have been pissing me lately? Perhaps it’s because I’ve been sleeping less but it seems like way more little things drive me out of my damn mind and I just can’t take it anymore. And seriously, it’s all little things that should not bother me. What can I say, parenthood has made me a cranky bitch. Now I understand what happened to my mom. (kidding, mom. Please don’t cut me out of your will, I really want your jewelry.)

A radio station here has started playing what they call “Vintage Vinyl” but I call “Songs From When I Was In High School And Are Not Vintage By Any Means, Dammit I Am Not Old.” When I hear the term “Vintage Vinyl” I expect songs that were actually released on vinyl, not songs that came out in the age of cds, which are not made of vinyl. I guess “Plastic from the Past” doesn’t have the same catchy ring to it that “Vintage Vinyl” has. Also, that song from Kids is not vintage music! Neither is Closing Time by Semisonic! Don’t make me send you a list of acceptable vintage songs Live 105, because I will. I have no life and have time to care about this sort of crap.

I’ve recently joined a new gym and many people there wear these abominations:

I honestly can’t come up with words that accurately convey the level of disgust I have for those shoes. Those shoes are what happens when crocs and toe socks drink a bottle of vodka and then do something regrettable together. They are unnatural and should be eradicated from the Earth. I should not have to look at them while I work out and my mind will not be changed about this no matter what you say.

And speaking of the gym, are there rules regarding using cardio equipment too close to another gym goer? Today I was on a treadmill and there were at least ten other treadmills open to my left, yet a woman got on the one right next to me. Too close! Personal space! I don’t want to be sprayed by your sweat! There need to be rules about this. I think we could apply men’s urinal rules to these types of situations and everyone would be happier.

Has anything been pissing you off that you would like to share with the class?